June 2nd, 2006



NOTE FROM CARL:
This is the first of our occasional
series “Top Five WTF Cares” in which our
writers endeavor to help our readers
solve some of life’s little quandaries.


The Top 7 Ways to Get a
Crappy Song Out of Your Head


7> Duct tape. Works for everything!

6> Imagine it being sung by Barry White. If the tune in question *is* a Barry White song, we’ll get it out of your head by making sweet love, baby!

5> Flatline. Perhaps the song will go away when it realizes your heart *won’t* go on.

4> Go on *almost* any ride at Disneyland.

3> Call the Earworm Removal Hotline at 867-5309 and ask for Jenny.

2> Smash your penis with a hammer. Unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing to begin with.

and the Number 1 Way to Get a Crappy Song Out of Your Head…

1> Picture Clay Aiken singing it, naked.




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Credits:

Selected from 30 submissions from 10 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY — 1 (Woo-hoo! 1st #1)
Chris White, Studio City, CA — 2, 4
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 3
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 4, 5
Lars Eisenberg, Menomonie, WI — 6
Nathan Sherman, Bellevue, WA — 6
Brad Hamer, Austin, TX — 7
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — Grand Overseer of Obtuse Funniness (GOOF)



RUNNERS UP list — Ick Ick, Baby

Ignore it and eventually it will go away. EXCEPTION: “Live Like You Were Dying” should be removed immediately with a drill.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)

Start humming “Tie a Yellow Ribbon.” (Valid for any crappy song except “Tie a Yellow Ribbon.”)
(Chris White, Studio City, CA)

Step 1: Slice scalp open. Step 2: Remove brain.
(Chris White, Studio City, CA)

Wiggles marathon.
(Nathan Sherman, Bellevue, WA)

Memorize the entire text of “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish” backwards.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)