April 13th, 2007
NOTE FROM CARL:
If you’re like me, the last thing you want to
do while you’re elbows-deep in moo-shu is
decipher the mystical stylings from within
dessert. Next time you head out for Chinese,
take this handy cheat-sheet along provided by
your good friends at Top5 WTF. And thank YOU!
do while you’re elbows-deep in moo-shu is
decipher the mystical stylings from within
dessert. Next time you head out for Chinese,
take this handy cheat-sheet along provided by
your good friends at Top5 WTF. And thank YOU!
The Top 8 Unpackings of What
Your Fortune Cookie REALLY Means
Your Fortune Cookie REALLY Means
8> You are possessed of great charm and charisma: We have a serious quality control problem here at the fortune cookie factory.
7> A small package may conceal a pearl of great joy: You’re hung like a hamster.
6> You will come into money: Your brakes will fail when approaching the drive-up teller.
5> Beware the sudden silence: You will soon be overpowered and bludgeoned to death by a troupe of rogue mimes.
4> The beginning of wisdom is to desire it: Since you’re looking for life guidance from a complimentary snack, you’re pretty much screwed.
3> To find the truth, look beyond deceptive appearances: This cookie was manufactured in Trenton, New Jersey, and is about as Chinese as Elvis Presley.
2> You will be successful in your future endeavors: You will manage to open your new bag of fried pork rinds without injuring yourself and will usually put your pants on correctly on the first try.
and the Number 1 Unpacking of What Your Fortune Cookie REALLY Means…
1> Searching the inner self requires a prepared mind: Colonoscopy without a strong sedative is nearly impossible.
.
Credits:
Selected from 27 submissions from 7 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Stephen A Seagall, Poplar Bluff, MO — 1, 7 (Woo-hoo! 1st #1!)
Brad Hamer, Austin, TX — 2, 8
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 3
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 4
Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA — 5
J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA — 6
Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX — Topic, Banner Tag
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — Grand Overseer of Obtuse Funniness (GOOF)
RUNNERS UP list — Magic Ain’t-ball
A shower of gold will come your way: Don’t stand near fire
hydrants.
(J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA)
Plan for many pleasures ahead: You’re wife is ditching your loser ass, so you’ll be free to surf for porn unabated!
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
The constructive use of riches is better than their possession: Buy a bunch of lottery tickets! There are some numbers on the back of this slip to get you started.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
The time is right to make new friends: Even your dog hates your mother-loving guts.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
You are careful, caring and creative: You are a single 56-year-old crossing guard and glue gun *artiste*.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
You are loved by everybody you meet: Your only social contacts are hookers.
(Stephen A Seagall, Poplar Bluff, MO)
Your acts of generosity will be thrice rewarded: Leave a tip, ya cheapskate!
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you: Do you recall that joke “photo session” 15 years ago on the *one* spring break night you got loaded? If not, the new personnel pages of your corporate web site should swiftly refresh your memory.
(Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
Runners Up list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
(J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA)
Plan for many pleasures ahead: You’re wife is ditching your loser ass, so you’ll be free to surf for porn unabated!
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
The constructive use of riches is better than their possession: Buy a bunch of lottery tickets! There are some numbers on the back of this slip to get you started.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
The time is right to make new friends: Even your dog hates your mother-loving guts.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
You are careful, caring and creative: You are a single 56-year-old crossing guard and glue gun *artiste*.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
You are loved by everybody you meet: Your only social contacts are hookers.
(Stephen A Seagall, Poplar Bluff, MO)
Your acts of generosity will be thrice rewarded: Leave a tip, ya cheapskate!
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you: Do you recall that joke “photo session” 15 years ago on the *one* spring break night you got loaded? If not, the new personnel pages of your corporate web site should swiftly refresh your memory.
(Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
Runners Up list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
