August 4th, 2006
NOTE FROM CARL:
Andy Rooney can’t possibly spend
ALL his time thinking about mundane
annoyances, can he? In case he can,
we took care of Mr. Rooney’s
more meta moments.
ALL his time thinking about mundane
annoyances, can he? In case he can,
we took care of Mr. Rooney’s
more meta moments.
The Top 6 Unlikely Andy Rooney Rants
6> Didja ever notice my left nut hangs lower than the right? No, wait, lemme show you….
5> Didja ever notice how girls with pimples are actually easier to talk into a three-way than those without? Why is that?
4> Didja ever notice how if you take a leak just two minutes after eating asparagus, it already has that “asparagus” smell? Why is that?
3> Didja ever wish one of those king-size crocs would actually snap his jaws around that annoying Crocodile Hunter guy’s nethers? I mean really chomp down on L’il Steven and the Danglin’ Irvin Twins… seems like poetic justice to me.
2> Didja ever notice how female escorts will snatch the two Benjamins from your hand and bolt for the nearest cab? Why is that? Sometimes a john just wants to make change.
and the Number 1 Unlikely Andy Rooney Rant…
1> Didja ever notice how if you press your face close enough to the computer screen to see the individual pixels, your admin assistant brings you extra pudding for lunch? Why is that?
.
Credits:
Selected from 25 submissions from 8 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA — 1, 6 (Woo-hoo! 1st #1!)
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 2
Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA — 3
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 4, 5
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — Runner-up List Name
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — Grand Overseer of Obtuse Funniness (GOOF)
RUNNERS UP list — Rooney Tunes
Are you folks bored of the same old tiresome rambling about stuff
that doesn’t matter? I do too, so tonight my wife and I decided to
spend this time demonstrating some of our favorite lovemaking
positions.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
I can’t believe Depends is the best adult diaper. Didja ever notice how quickly they get full? Why is that?
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Didja ever notice how everyone loves the sky when it’s a deep, cloudless blue? Poems are written about its beauty. But put a sky- blue oxford on Sam Donaldson and whew! Watch those lemon-sucking “Who farted?” looks blossom on the faces of everyone around you.
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)
Didja ever notice how as soon as the mogambo is over, your mom runs for the raspberry douche? Why is that? I mean, your dad won’t get back from that Orlando rebar convention until Saturday and I need my cuddle time.
(J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA)
Ya know, sometimes some homes disses me and I just wanna bus’ a cap in his ass.
(Douglas Frank, Austin, TX)
Whores just aren’t what they used to be, now are they?
(Douglas Frank, Austin, TX)
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
I can’t believe Depends is the best adult diaper. Didja ever notice how quickly they get full? Why is that?
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Didja ever notice how everyone loves the sky when it’s a deep, cloudless blue? Poems are written about its beauty. But put a sky- blue oxford on Sam Donaldson and whew! Watch those lemon-sucking “Who farted?” looks blossom on the faces of everyone around you.
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)
Didja ever notice how as soon as the mogambo is over, your mom runs for the raspberry douche? Why is that? I mean, your dad won’t get back from that Orlando rebar convention until Saturday and I need my cuddle time.
(J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA)
Ya know, sometimes some homes disses me and I just wanna bus’ a cap in his ass.
(Douglas Frank, Austin, TX)
Whores just aren’t what they used to be, now are they?
(Douglas Frank, Austin, TX)
