August 25th, 2006
NOTE FROM CARL:
Summer’s nearly over, me buckos!
Better hit them yarrrrdsales!
Better hit them yarrrrdsales!
The Top 7 Treasures Recovered From a
Second-Hand Pirate Store Shopping Spree
Second-Hand Pirate Store Shopping Spree
7> Carrots, ferrets, garrottes, Harriet, lariats and a chariot. No parrots, though.
6> That cat-o-nines comes in real handy during the braiding lesson at Charmaine’s Beauty School.
5> A couple of eyepatches and some of those parrot feathers would make a bitchin’ sexy string bikini top.
4> The ThrottleHook-2000 easily perforates those annoying safety seals on medicine bottles. So simple, even the kids can use it!
3> Nothin’ says “Stay away, Jehovah’s Witnesses!” like a door-mounted pegleg crucifix.
2> The satin sash, the big tri-corn hat with the feathers, the high-top leather boots all would go for BIG bucks at that downtown Pimp ‘n’ Ho resale shop!
and the Number 1 Treasure Recovered From a Second-Hand Pirate Store Shopping Spree …
1> One old Furby plus old parrot: It’s an all-in-one feather duster/toilet brush… that talks!
.
Credits:
Selected from 25 submissions from 8 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 1, 3, 4 (Hat trick!) (4th #1)
Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX — 2, 5
Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA — 6
Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA — 7
J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA — Banner tag
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — Grand Overseer of Obtuse Goofiness (GOOF)
RUNNERS UP list — Old Navy
Celebrity Love Dolls: Pamela Anderson with Treasure Chest,
Jennifer Lopez with Extra-Large Booty.
(Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)
Homemade newsprint-quality paper, made from recycled pirate hats.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
Parrots: iPods for poor people.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
Rid your toddlers of the stigma of wearing a jock strap with M’Eye First Nutcup.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
The 47 *other* plotlines they didn’t put in “Pirates of the Caribbean 2.”
(Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)
That peg leg: a strap-on for overachieving sadists.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
Davy Jones’ Locket
(Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)
(Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)
Homemade newsprint-quality paper, made from recycled pirate hats.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
Parrots: iPods for poor people.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
Rid your toddlers of the stigma of wearing a jock strap with M’Eye First Nutcup.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
The 47 *other* plotlines they didn’t put in “Pirates of the Caribbean 2.”
(Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)
That peg leg: a strap-on for overachieving sadists.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
Davy Jones’ Locket
(Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)
