August 11th, 2006
NOTE FROM CARL:
This is the third in our occasional “WTF Cares!” series.
In times of ever-present change, we all rely on
the comfort of consistency in one way or another.
Here are a few you may have overlooked.
In times of ever-present change, we all rely on
the comfort of consistency in one way or another.
Here are a few you may have overlooked.
The Top 7 Things You Can
Always Count On in Times of Trouble
Always Count On in Times of Trouble
7> Your situation will never, ever suck as badly as “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
6> Cathy will still be griping about unflattering fashions and Garfield will still be griping about Mondays.
5> Raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens — and my stack of Juggs magazines!
4> Old Milwaukee will always offer solace, assuming solace tastes like cat piss.
3> You can always cheer yourself up by thinking of a happy pony, which, like you, will be utterly unable to avoid the unwavering inevitability of death.
2> Contact your congressperson and convince him or her to enact legislation to prevent the “Planet of the Apes” scenario from ever coming true.
and the Number 1 Thing You Can Always Count On in Times of Trouble…
1> Go down to the park, enjoy the smiles on the faces of the playing children, and imagine what position their parents were in when they were conceived.
.
Credits:
Selected from 28 submissions from 8 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX — 1 (Woo-hoo! 1st #1)
Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA — 2
Brad Hamer, Austin, TX — 3, 4, 7 (Hat trick!)
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 5
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 6, Banner tag
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — Grand Overseer of Obtuse Funniness (GOOF)
RUNNERS UP list — Demand a Re-Count
Eat tubs of grocery store cotton candy until your tongue goes
numb.
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)
Go to the dentists’s office. When they tell you “You don’t have an appointment,” turn around, beam at the waiting room and squeal “SUCKERS!” before dancing out the door.
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)
Listening to Duck’s Breath Mystery Theater’s production of “A Cliff’s Notes Hamlet.”
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
The natural sleep-aid that is “According to Jim.”
(Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX)
Trolling: Go to Wal-Mart after midnight, spend hours searching for someone attractive enough to sleep with without the aid of alcohol.
(Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX)
What could be more cheering than a barrel full of monkeys?
(Although when you last opened this *particular* barrel two
And better-smelling.)
(Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)
Go to the dentists’s office. When they tell you “You don’t have an appointment,” turn around, beam at the waiting room and squeal “SUCKERS!” before dancing out the door.
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)
Listening to Duck’s Breath Mystery Theater’s production of “A Cliff’s Notes Hamlet.”
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
The natural sleep-aid that is “According to Jim.”
(Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX)
Trolling: Go to Wal-Mart after midnight, spend hours searching for someone attractive enough to sleep with without the aid of alcohol.
(Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX)
What could be more cheering than a barrel full of monkeys?
(Although when you last opened this *particular* barrel two
And better-smelling.)
(Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
