July 18th, 2008
NOTE FROM CARL:
I don’t know… I guess I’m just tired.
And a little groggy. And bleeding
through the belly button…
And a little groggy. And bleeding
through the belly button…
The Top 8 Signs You’ve Had
Surgery of Which You Weren’t Aware
Surgery of Which You Weren’t Aware
8> Every Christmas, you receive a gift basket from “Your Favorite Kidney Harvesters.”
7> It’s been a while since you did it, but you could’ve sworn you used to be able to count above eight without unzipping.
6> You can light the cigarette of every female in France at the same time.
5> You wake up naked in a tub full of ice, and find a note taped to your belly saying, “Shoot, somebody beat me to it!”
4> When you sneeze, your underarms become soaked with urine.
3> You now inadvertently kiss your *own* ass at work.
2> A routine X-Ray reveals you have in your abdomen a sponge, a retractor and a key to room 36 at the Days Inn nearest the hospital.
and the Number 1 Sign You’ve Had Surgery of Which You Weren’t Aware …
1> There’s a vague, unexplainable soreness where your arm used to be.
.
Credits:
Selected from 26 submissions from 9 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Brad Hamer, Austin, TX — 1 (17th #1!)
Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD — 2, 8
Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA — 3, 6
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 4
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 5
Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX — 7, Topic, Banner tag
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — GrandObserver,ObtuseFunny
RUNNERS UP list — Malpractice
Lately, you find shaking hands to be sexually gratifying.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
To your horror you realize that one of your testicles is missing. And the other two don’t hang the same anymore.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
When you wake up in the morning, your throat is sore, and under your pillow, there is a dollar and a note from the tonsil fairy.
(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD)
You didn’t start getting paranoid about this sort of thing until you started hearing so much chatter about it in the shortwave broadcasts you started receiving in your head.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
You don’t remember ever getting anything pierced yet your crotch makes the airport wand alarm go off like you are carrying uranium.
(Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA)
You go for the bald look and after two strokes with the hair clipper, the barber squeals, “Jesus, what the heck is THAT?”
(Nathan Sherman, Bellevue, WA)
You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve, but to actually see it beating just above the left cuff is pretty shocking.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
To your horror you realize that one of your testicles is missing. And the other two don’t hang the same anymore.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
When you wake up in the morning, your throat is sore, and under your pillow, there is a dollar and a note from the tonsil fairy.
(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD)
You didn’t start getting paranoid about this sort of thing until you started hearing so much chatter about it in the shortwave broadcasts you started receiving in your head.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
You don’t remember ever getting anything pierced yet your crotch makes the airport wand alarm go off like you are carrying uranium.
(Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA)
You go for the bald look and after two strokes with the hair clipper, the barber squeals, “Jesus, what the heck is THAT?”
(Nathan Sherman, Bellevue, WA)
You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve, but to actually see it beating just above the left cuff is pretty shocking.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
