September 8th, 2006
The Top 8 Signs Your Bloodstream
May Be Infested With Microscopic Cows
May Be Infested With Microscopic Cows
8> You feel a sudden sense of horror and revulsion as you eat your hamburger, even though you’re not at White Castle.
7> All I want to do is sleep, eat and lie around. Microcows – that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
6> “And if you look at this sample under the microscope you can see little red milking stools.”
5> You’re discharged from the Mayo Clinic and transfered to the A-1 Clinic.
4> Just for kicks, at lunch you pull out a teat and squirt those leering dweebs from accounting.
3> A crotch full of cottage cheese? Perfectly normal.
2> All your platelets keep stepping in artery-muffins.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Bloodstream May Be Infested With Microscopic Cows …
1> Your LDL is up, your HDL is down and you’re pissing Chunky Monkey.
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Credits:
Selected from 36 submissions from 10 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA — 1 (2nd #1!)
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 2, 5
Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA — 3
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 4, Topic
Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia — 6
Brad Hamer, Austin, TX — 7, 8
Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX — Banner tag
Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA — RU List Name
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — Grand Overseer of Obtuse Funniness (GOOF)
RUNNERS UP list — Cowflops
“… and that, your honor, is why I am not *really* guilty for
burning Chicago to the ground.”
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Diagnosis: Mookemia.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Find yourself TiVo-ing hours of “According to Jim” just so you can catch a glimpse of those lusciously sturdy vice grips he calls hands.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
On sweltering hot days, you get blood clots underneath all the microscopic trees.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
One of your stomachs hurts.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
Whoa! Where did those four nipples come from?
(Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
You realize three foursomes have played through while you ate your ball out of the rough.
(J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA)
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Diagnosis: Mookemia.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Find yourself TiVo-ing hours of “According to Jim” just so you can catch a glimpse of those lusciously sturdy vice grips he calls hands.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
On sweltering hot days, you get blood clots underneath all the microscopic trees.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
One of your stomachs hurts.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
Whoa! Where did those four nipples come from?
(Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
You realize three foursomes have played through while you ate your ball out of the rough.
(J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA)
