May 12th, 2006
The Top 9 Signs Your Alien
Anal Probe Is Malfunctioning
Anal Probe Is Malfunctioning
9> Even you don’t normally dance THAT badly.
8> Because of course the damned thing worked PERFECTLY when you showed it to your mechanic.
7> Whenever an accordion plays, for the next 10 minutes you put your left cheek in… you take your left cheek out….
6> You get no brain readings, as if these “humans” had their brains somewhere away from their buttocks. Clearly, more probing is necessary.
5> Involuntarily get stuck on the Pelvic Thrust step at the “Rocky Horror” midnight showing.
4> No longer able to understand your commands, your Earthly Cat Army goes back to its yarn-and-nap-based lifestyle.
3> Right when the domination plan was really starting to work, you give some lawyer a face full of buckshot.
2> Like a compass, it keeps pointing itself due Clay Aiken.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Alien Anal Probe Is Malfunctioning…
1> Pass gas in Circuit City, all the TVs change to “Oprah.”
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Credits:
Selected from 29 submissions from 11 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Nathan Sherman, Bellevue, WA — 1, 5, Topic (Woo-hoo!/1st #1)
Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX — 2
J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA — 3, 4
Marcelo Rinesi, Buenos Aires, Argentina — 6
Lars Eisenberg, Menomonie, WI — 7
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 7, Banner tag
Brad Hamer, Austin, TX — 8, 9
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — Grand Overseer of Obtuse Funniness (GOOF)
RUNNERS UP list — Blew It Out Their Butts
“YOUR BUTT” keeps trying to connect to your Bluetooth cellphone.
(Nathan Sherman, Bellevue, WA)
All you get is FOX News on every frigging channel.
(Marcelo Rinesi, Buenos Aires, Argentina)
Every time you move to the left you pick up AM radio.
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
For some reason, humans wearing red shirts are not surviving the examination.
(Chris White, Studio City, CA)
Sparks are shooting out of your rectum, and you haven’t recently eaten an electric eel.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
You keep hearing voices whispering, “Can you hear me now?”… in Klingon.
(Nathan Sherman, Bellevue, WA)
You ruefully read that Preparation H relieves itching and burning but it says nothing about emitting greenish-purplish smoke.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
(Chris White, Studio City, CA)
(Nathan Sherman, Bellevue, WA)
All you get is FOX News on every frigging channel.
(Marcelo Rinesi, Buenos Aires, Argentina)
Every time you move to the left you pick up AM radio.
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
For some reason, humans wearing red shirts are not surviving the examination.
(Chris White, Studio City, CA)
Sparks are shooting out of your rectum, and you haven’t recently eaten an electric eel.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
You keep hearing voices whispering, “Can you hear me now?”… in Klingon.
(Nathan Sherman, Bellevue, WA)
You ruefully read that Preparation H relieves itching and burning but it says nothing about emitting greenish-purplish smoke.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
(Chris White, Studio City, CA)
