March 2nd, 2007



NOTE FROM CARL:
Mr. Westerberg? Mr. Smith? I hope you’re
reading this. We’ve FINALLY got the
answers to your proposals.


The Top 7 Reasons I Can’t Be You


7> I don’t know, but it worries me that both of our wives like the idea so much.

6> You haven’t got the hair-sprouting ass-moles for it, babe.

5> Because UB40! Get it, you pathetic ’80s-obsessed dinosaur?

4> You don’t have the man-boobs to make this halter dress work.

3> Because then people would call me a pathetic, whiny, insipid little twit behind *my* back.

2> Because I don’t want you wearing my underwear. That’s just gross.

and the Number 1 Reason I Can’t Be You…

1> Because I finally got the driver’s seat and mirrors adjusted.




.

Credits:

Selected from 28 submissions from 9 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA — 1 (Woo-hoo! 1st #1!)
Brad Hamer, Austin, TX — 2, 7
Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX — 3
Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA — 4
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 5, 6
Rabbi Crut, McComb, OH — Banner tag
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — Grand Overseer of Obtuse Funniness (GOOF)



RUNNERS UP list — InCureAble

Because I have a serious crush on you, and having a crush on myself would be Donald Trump gross.
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)

Because there is no way in hell I’m ever having sex with your husband.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)

For one, you ONLY masturbate twice a day.
(Rabbi Crut, McComb, OH)

My wife is starting to ask questions about all the plus-sized women’s clothes.
(Rabbi Crut, McComb, OH)

Replacing the monograms on my emotional baggage is prohibitively expensive.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)

You CAN, provided you’re ready for next week’s scheduled Pap smear.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)