NOTE FROM CARL:

Happy Thank-Ceiling-Cat-It’s-the-Last-Friday-of-August Day!

The Top 8 Signs a Holiday Is Completely Made Up

8> You’re hard pressed to find any ethnic group protesting against it.

7> You’re celebrating Freedom Day. You’re in Zimbabwe.

6> Hell, you didn’t even know there was a “Barista Day” until the miffed skank hocked a loogie in your [...]

NOTE FROM CARL:

I’ve been getting the weirdest spam recently, wavering back and forth between misspelled English and foreign languages, “LOL” at inappropriate times, offering deeply discounted pet medication. Oh, boogers… not THIS again!

The Top 7 Signs That a Drunk Chihuahua Is Intercepting Your E-Mail

7> Mysteriously, your Yahoo! mail account has changed to ARRIBA! mail.

6> You [...]

NOTE FROM CARL:

Oh… SHE knows why!

The Top 7 Reasons Lydia Is NOT Talking to Shellie

7> Because after her tongue-ectomy Lydia doesn’t talk to ANYBODY!

6> It’s just too awkward, what with Shellie being the successful career woman that she is, and Lydia being a moose.

5> Shellie probably thinks that Lydia has [...]

NOTE FROM CARL:

Either everything sucked before sliced bread, or sliced bread is hella loads better that we think, but us whippersnappers take everything for granted these days, what with our hula hoops and transistor radios and such.

The Top 8 Greatest Things Before Sliced Bread

8> Roasted dodo franchises.

7> Shitless dogs.

6> A Wonder-full new Cure for [...]

NOTE FROM CARL:

Happy August, Everyone! Welcome to (in the US, at least) the longest, hottest, boringest, holidaylessest month of the year. Oh well… at least this August has five Fridays in it. Woo-hoo!

The Top 7 Things That Really Happen When the Refrigerator Light Goes Out

7> One of the hamsters takes a rest.

6> [...]

NOTE FROM CARL:

The economy is down pretty much all over the planet, so cutting back is probably on your agenda. Here are a few things we suggest you might want to consider… then laugh at… then flip us the bird…

The Top 10 Bad Ways to Cut the Household Budget

10> Fire up the chainsaw, [...]

NOTE FROM CARL:

I don’t know… I guess I’m just tired. And a little groggy. And bleeding through the belly button…

The Top 8 Signs You’ve Had Surgery of Which You Weren’t Aware

8> Every Christmas, you receive a gift basket from “Your Favorite Kidney Harvesters.”

7> It’s been a while since you did it, but you [...]

NOTE FROM CARL:

You know the old canard “If I had a nickel for every time [x], I’d be rich”? Well, there are two sides to that coin…

The Top 7 Events Leaving Us Poor Were We to Get a Nickel Upon Each Occurrence

7> Giant Panda orgies.

6> Every time David Blaine did a [...]

NOTE FROM CARL:

Happy 232nd Birthday, USA! Woo-hoo! Barbecue! And, hey… even if you aren’t a USA-an, today is still Friday. Everybody wins… gotta love that!

The Top 9 Other Ways to Say “Whatever Works”

9> Whatever fills your codpiece.

8> Whatever halts your chronic flatulence.

7> Whatever clips your coupons.

6> Whatever snaps your elastic waistband.

5> Whatever [...]

NOTE FROM CARL:

Not too long ago, I was e-mailing a friend saying that with Mitt Romney’s Presidential bid and that huge family in Texas making big news, 2008 was shaping up to be the Year of the Mormon… but I forgot to type the second “m.” Said friend replied “Which one WASN’T the Year of the Moron?” Of [...]