March 28th, 2008
NOTE FROM CARL:
This may be a regional anomaly, but last
Monday I bought a gallon of milk for $3.29,
then ten minutes later filled my gas tank
for — you guessed it — $3.29 a gallon.
Where’s Rod Serling?
Monday I bought a gallon of milk for $3.29,
then ten minutes later filled my gas tank
for — you guessed it — $3.29 a gallon.
Where’s Rod Serling?
The Top 10 Effects of Gas
and Milk Costing the Same
and Milk Costing the Same
10> When you read this list you shoot hi-test premium out of your nose.
9> OK, let’s see you make your damn holey cheese from curdled motor fuel! Can’t do it, can you? HA! Bastards. I hate Switzerland.
8> STP Octane Boost and Nestle’s Quik essentially become the same thing.
7> Dairy farmers are looking into converting their cows to diesel in order to score that extra buck a gallon.
6> When you siphon gas from co-workers’ tanks during your break, you now use a rubber nipple.
5> Udder-equipped tanker trucks.
4> Dramatic increase in drive-off milkings.
3> More and more parents trading in their milk-guzzler kids for more beverage-efficient models.
2> Dairy farmers band together to form OMEC and build themselves extravagant palaces.
and the Number 1 Effect of Gas and Milk Costing the Same …
1> Hours of mirth watching dumb guys try to get that nipple to reach the gas tank opening.
.
Credits:
Selected from 40 submissions from 13 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Chris White, Studio City, CA — 1 (2nd #1!)
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 2, 3
David Bloyer, Comer, GA — 4
Brad Hamer, Austin, TX — 5, 9
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 6, 10
Lars Eisenberg, Menomonie, WI — 7
Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA — 8
Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX — Banner tag
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — GrandObserver,ObtuseFunny
RUNNERS UP list — Lactose in-toluene
“Attention New Zealand! This is the USS Ronald Reagan. We have
your country surrounded. Everyone, walk down from the hills with
buckets of milk over your heads or we start searching for your
Weapons of Mass Destruction.”
(Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia)
Before: bio-diesel cars that smell like burnt salad. After: lactose-diesel cars that smell like Baked Alaska.
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)
Dairy Queen finds another non-dairy product to use in their “ice cream.”
(Chuck Salerno, Fullerton, CA)
Five degrees of separation. Milk from cows, Rosie O’Donnell is a cow, Rosie starred in East Of Eden, East Of Eden stunk, the price of gas also stinks.
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)
Instead of breeding for buttermilk content, dairy farmers are now breeding for higher Octane content.
(David Bloyer, Comer, GA)
Introducing the Renault au Lait
(Lars Eisenberg, Menomonie, WI)
Little has changed, inasmuch as skim milk and regular unleaded remain about equally appetizing to drink.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
Now available at mini-marts everywhere: the Chevron milkshake.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
Now available in a vending machine near you: Gassy Way bars!
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Runners Up list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
(Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia)
Before: bio-diesel cars that smell like burnt salad. After: lactose-diesel cars that smell like Baked Alaska.
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)
Dairy Queen finds another non-dairy product to use in their “ice cream.”
(Chuck Salerno, Fullerton, CA)
Five degrees of separation. Milk from cows, Rosie O’Donnell is a cow, Rosie starred in East Of Eden, East Of Eden stunk, the price of gas also stinks.
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)
Instead of breeding for buttermilk content, dairy farmers are now breeding for higher Octane content.
(David Bloyer, Comer, GA)
Introducing the Renault au Lait
(Lars Eisenberg, Menomonie, WI)
Little has changed, inasmuch as skim milk and regular unleaded remain about equally appetizing to drink.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
Now available at mini-marts everywhere: the Chevron milkshake.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
Now available in a vending machine near you: Gassy Way bars!
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Runners Up list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
