July 1, 2009
for jobs may be wasted. Jobs such as a
$3.4-million construction of a 13-foot tunnel
near Tallahassee, Fla., that will allow
turtles to cross the road, and $150,000 to
see if marijuana is a good pain reliever.
9> Association of Footware Manufacturers: $850,000 to develop a
shoe that can be quickly and effortlessly removed from Joe
Biden’s mouth.
8> US Forest Service: $8.6M to get an definitive answer once and
for all about that Bear Defecation question everyone asks.
7> New Orleans: $167M, or 1M per family that moved back.
6> USA Network: $3.5 million to just go ahead, get off the dime
and just rename themselves “The All-House All-the-Time
Channel.”
5> Warner Music Group: $1M to find a band with some actual
talent.
4> Six Flags Corp.: $30M to re-engineer all the rides at to
accommodate Fat America.
3> Phoenix Coyotes Hockey team $9.4M to explore why hockey in the
middle of the desert is a failed business model.
2> Geico and AFLAC: $500,000 to the winner of a death match
between the gecko and the duck.
their name, and register more voters.
Selected from 28 submissions from 10 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Travis Bish, Alpharetta, GA — 1
Joel Baskin, Redmond, WA — 1, 2
Douglas Husovsky, Cave Creek, AZ — 3, 7, 8 (Hat trick!)
Glenn Anthony, San Jose, CA — 4
Bruce Kane, Charlotte, NC — 5
Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL — 6, 9, Banner tag
Mark Sweatt, Marietta, GA — President & CEO
(Glenn Anthony, San Jose, CA)
Cat Owners: 99.8MM to take more cute cat pictures to distract the
rest of the country from how far into the toilet things really
are.
(Douglas Husovsky, Cave Creek, AZ)
Hormel: $300 to buy a real pig carcass to augment the next twelve
years of Spam production.
(James Knowles, Bellingham, WA)
Paparazzi: $2.5 M to not shoot Paris Hilton (or $4M to really
shoot her.)
(Fletch McPherson, Jamaica, NY)
Subway: $3,000,000 to find a “newer” and “fatter” Jared to lose
some weight.
(Bruce Kane, Charlotte, NC)
Runners Up list name
(Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL)