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June 26, 2009      Share

The Top 9 Side-Effects of
Not Getting Laid in a Long Time

9> The hair on your legs has grown long and lustrous.

8> Waterboarding starts to sound like a nice release.

7> You can no longer picture yourself saying “no” if Shia
LaBeouf’s mother asked you for it.

6> Republicans are considering you as governor of South Carolina,
just to be on the safe side.

5> Who knew the Golden Girls were that sexy?

4> Despite your misgivings, that apple pie rotating in the
vending machine carousel is looking awfully tempting.

3> Your balls are now bluer than B.B. King after learning his
wife is banging his brother.

2> Your perspiration now contains sperm looking to escape any
way they can.

and’s Number 1 Side-Effect of Not Getting Laid in a Long Time…
1> You see that old lady in the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
commercial and think, “Man, if I were there…”



Selected from 35 submissions from 12 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ — 1, 3 (Woohoo! 1st #1!)
Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA — 2
Sib Mandrake, Beaver Valley Junction, IA — 4, 7
Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA — 5
Douglas Bishop, Fort Wayne, IN — 6
Dan Thompson, Austin, TX — 8
Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 9
Donald Junter, New Haven, CT — Topic
Chris White, Los Angeles, CA — List owner/editor

RUNNERS UP list — Long Shots

“Go fuck yourself” is looking more like an option than an insult.
     (Douglas Bishop, Fort Wayne, IN)

After years of dreading them, you start looking forward to your
birthday spankings again.
     (Rabbi Crut, McComb, OH)

Using eminent domain, cash-starved local governments have
condemned your genitalia and promise to auction it off to someone
who’ll put it to good use.
     (Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA)

With every passing day that you fail to get laid, you have less
and less desire to relaunch your Internet humor list website.
     (Kim Moser, New York, NY)

You begin auditioning for porno movies just to get laid.
     (Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA)

You even start collecting AARP mags in the bathroom.
     (Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)

You start to seriously consider getting a divorce.
     (Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA)

You try to console yourself with the fact that at least you’re a
willing participant when the dog humps your leg.
     (Kim Moser, New York, NY)

You’re neighbor’s Chihuahua? Looking goooooood, amigo!
     (Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)