The Top 10 Ways to Get
UFOs to Land in Your Back Yard

10> Offer your mother-in-law for their genetic and anatomical experiments.

9> A stack of Playboys, because Mars really needs women.

8> Dress up like Geena Davis, since word has it Earth girls are easy.

7> Blinking lights that spell out “Gas - Food - Eats. We accept gold-pressed latinum.”

6> Stake Carmen Electra naked and spread-eagled in the backyard, and if the UFO doesn’t show up, the disappointment will be easier to take… and so will she.

5> Post a huge sign: “I’m not crazy like all the other people on this planet!”

4> Stand out back, holding up the green-liquid-and-alien-fetus pickle jar you bought at the last county fair: How could they NOT come by to reclaim Junior?!

3> Make sure your IQ is below 80. Check.
Move to the isolated wilderness. Check.
Walk out in the dark with no other witnesses. Check.
They should be swarming around you by now.

2> Put out a sign, “All Rigelian bondage equipment 50% off!”

and the Number 1 Way to Get UFOs to Land in Your Back Yard…

1> Teach five dogs to howl the notes from “Close Encounters” in order. Repeatedly.

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Credits:

Selected from 42 submissions from 13 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 1, 3
Dan Thompson, Austin, TX — 2
Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA — 4, 8, Topic
Bruce Kane, Charlotte, NC — 5, 7
Guy Reeves, Houston, TX — 6
Guy Payne, Birmingham, AL — 9
Laura Oberst, Columbus, OH — 10
Dave Oberhart, Durham, NC — SF List Moderator

RUNNERS UP list — Butt Cracks

Open up a lemonade stand, give away a free anal probe with each glass. Aliens love that lemonade.
(Guy Reeves, Houston, TX)

Put up a large flashing fluorescent green “Anal Probe Sales & Service” sign.
(Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH)

Become an authorized anal probe repair technician.
(Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL)

On a warm summer night, try lying naked on your patio with your pristine, never-been-probed ass shining in the moonlight.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Paint a bullseye on the ground that looks like a butt with an anal probe dead center.
(Guy Reeves, Houston, TX)