NOTE FROM DAVE:

Today marks the 60th birthday of the classic
story of Bilbo Baggins and his adventures.We
celebrate it in our twisted way, of course.

The Top 10 Rejected
Opening Lines to “The Hobbit”

10> In a hole in the ground — well, not so much a hole as a cave – a kind of a cave — no, really, it was like a cross between a cave and a hole, with a touch of cottage thrown in — one might even be tempted to call it a burrow, maybe or a warren – no, hole may be a bit more accurate than first believed – then again — look, let’s start over, okay?

9> Bill “Bo” Baggins awoke from a three day bender, hanging off the side of a boat, his head pounding like a Orc was using it for drum practice, his mouth feeling like all the week-old foot-cleaning rags in the Shire were stuffed into it, and winced at the sight of a flashy-looking golden ring in the water below him.

8> Knock, knock. “Who’s there?” “Gandalf.” “Gandalf who?”

7> In a hole, not wet and nasty like the lead singer of the band Hole, but in a bare, sandy hole in the ground, like Pamela Anderson at the beach, lived a hobbit.

6> When Bilbo pulled the ring from the Cracker Jack box, little did he know the trouble it would cause.

5> As the rainclouds cleared and the funeral guests dispersed, Bilbo took one last look at the grave of his beloved wife Dildo before turning to Gandalf and saying, “There’s nothing left for me here.”

4> It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was between second-breakfast time, but before luncheon time.

3> Late one night, a perplexed Bilbo Baggins was studying the cover of a book that had mysteriously appeared on his doorstep. It had the words “Don’t Panic!” written in large, friendly letters on the cover, and was entitled “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Middle-Earth.”

2> “Fire in the hole!” thundered the now enraged wizard as he launched a fireball through the round door of the recalcitrant Hobbit.

and the Number 1 Rejected Opening Line to “The Hobbit” …

1> With a contented smile on his face, Bilbo entered the round opening into the hole where he’d spent so many blissful evenings enjoying the comfort of its warm interior passageway.

.

Credits:

Selected from 45 submissions from 12 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 1
Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 2, 6, Topic
Tracy Lunquist, DeLand, FL — 3
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL — 4
Heather Mina, Virginia Beach, VA — 5, 8
Guy Reeves, Houston, TX — 7
Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL — 9, 10
Dave Oberhart, Durham, NC — SF List Moderator

RUNNERS UP list — Not so Furry Feet

“Once upon a time, there was a hobbit named Baggins, and an off-key Vulcan who sang about him.”
(Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL)

Bilbo gazed on the women’s locker room and wished once again that he could somehow make himself invisible.
(James Knowles, Bellingham, WA)

One ring around the collar. One detergent to save them.
(Guy Reeves, Houston, TX)