NOTE FROM DAVE:

In the original Guide, the entry for Earth
said only, “Mostly Harmless.” Here are
some of our additions to fill in more detail.

The Top 10 New Earth Entries in
the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

10> If an older human male asks you to pull his finger — don’t, unless you are a methane breather.

9> Stock Market: A group of humanoids in a large room who jump around waving little bits of paper in the air and shouting until a bell sounds, when all papers are dropped on the floor and everyone leaves.

8> Earth Wars: Wars are started on Earth when somebody knocks down one of your buildings and you invade a completely different country which has better lighting and more oil.

7> Entertainment: There is no actual entertainment produced on Earth, only sequels to entertainment produced earlier.

6> Credit Card: A piece of plastic that has great value for an undeterminable amount of time, after which it then becomes worthless.

5> Disneyland: Where humans go to escape from reality if they don’t happen to be delegates for their United Nations. Nothing real exists there.

4> The dominant species on Earth is a primitive hairless monkey that tastes like chicken.

3> While common in horn-based civilizations, greeting a female human with “Nice hooters!” is not appropriate.

2> Garage: A place to store the individual transport device as well as many other items, including empty flimsy paper cartons, empty cans, double-wheeled balancing movers, bags and papers. Also used as an environment to grow assorted medicinal fungi and molds.

and the Number 1 New Earth Entry in the “Hitchhiker’s Guide To
The Galaxy”…

1> Spam: 1) A horrible facsimile of Double Fashild Shoomph in a small metal container. 2) Offers received through primitive computers for correctional and/or augmentational medicines based on highly advanced science.

.

Credits:

Selected from 23 submissions from 7 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

Laura Oberst, Columbus, OH — 1, 2, 6, 9 (Hat trick!)
James Knowles, Bellingham, WA — 3, 4, 10 (Hat trick!)
Vilyehm Teighlore, Tucson, AZ — 5
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL — 7, 8
Dave Oberhart, Durham, NC — Vogon Poet