The Top 9 Most Embarrassing Reasons the Invasion of Earth Failed

9> Outsmart-akated by George Bush.

8> Turns out most humans don’t want to be ruled by an alien female with all the charm and good looks of their ex-wife or mother-in-law.

7> Advance scouts mistakenly informed superiors that natives were docile, brainless and easily [...]

6> “Heh-heh,” Willow giggled. Buffy responded, “Heh-heh,” too. This continued for a while until they had sex.

5> “Blast my blasted luck!” bellowed Han. “If I only had my blaster I could blast these blasted vermin to oblivion!”

4> She sidled up to the short green alien holding the impressive metal apparatus and huskily [...]

9> If there’s no paper, please use a Tribble.

8> Emperor Palpitane is full of Sith!

7> Kirk is a jerk, Picard is a God!

6> For a good time, set hailing frequencies to 555.21. Ask for Nyota.

5> Free the holodeck characters!

4> This stall reserved for Professor Xavier and [...]

The Top 9 Things Overheard at the Intergalactic Library

9> “Wow, I like the way you use your tongue to reach the books on the top shelf!”

8> “No, she’s not shushing us. She’s a SnakeWoman from the Rattler Galaxy.”

7> “Which sector are the holocubes in?”

6> “The farce is strong in this one. Hey Bob, you [...]

7> Crazy scientist and his teenage sidekick go back in time to make sure his father and mother have a soda at the soda shop and do nothing that could possibly be construed as untoward or unladylike.

6> Final Countdown: A very large vessel of US foreign policy enforcement agents finds itself sent back [...]

9> Skirting Known Physical Principles with your instructor Mr. Scott

8> You Can’t Get Water from a Gravity Well : How to re-supply on the go

7> Interstellar Communications: Soup Can and String Theory

6> Introduction to Monoliths 2001

5> Shuttle Pod Pilot Ed

4> Bonehead Galactic Domination

3> Temporal Loop Basics (or, “Why Do I Keep [...]

10> They just keep saying “Resistance to standardized testing is futile!”

9> The board unanimously approves a measure to put kids in detention on next week’s cafeteria menu.

8> Demographic balance is maintained by busing kids to the Delta Quadrant.

7> Out: Detention. In: Gom Jabbar box.

6> Turns out the substitute [...]

10> Do not adjust your own package.

9> Daydream about your Counselor Troi vs. Lt. Yar jello wrestling holodeck program.

8> Cross the Streams (unlicensed nuclear accelerator models only.)

7> Write your name in the flow (guys only.)

6> Watch “Debbie Does Deneb 4.”

5> Disengage the Artificial Gravity Generator.

4> [...]

NOTE FROM LITTLE FIVERS:

For reasons best left unexplained, this is Little Fivers Lingerie Week. Participating Fivers will be donning their frilliest fancies for your entertainment. All we can say is: be thankful this is a text-based medium. Semper ubi sub ubi!

The Top 10 Drawbacks of Being an Interstellar Lingerie Model

10> Starship captains who [...]

Ever since I started moderating this list, a week hasn’t gone by when I get someone who sends me a submission that makes a reference to an anal probe. For whatever reason, Earthlings seem to think aliens throughout the universe have an obsession with probing the human backside. Perhaps this week we can flush some of that out [...]