NOTE FROM JOHN:

In “Contact”, the first thing the aliens did was beam us
back our own television transmissions to let us know that
they were paying attention. Well, it’s been more than 60
years since that first TV transmission, and in that time
we’ve given them some pretty good reasons to be ticked at us:

The Top 5 Complaints By Real
Aliens About Earthling Science Fiction

5> Oh sure, Kirk talks a computer to death in 5 minutes, never thinking about the long hours in therapy our computers will have to spend getting over it.

4> Every alien larva knows that reconfiguring the solar matrix for endothermic propulsion only works if you initiate an inverse tachyon pulse from the main deflector dish *AND* push the little blue button. What are you Earthlings *thinking*?!?

3> Quickly transversing the universe through hyperspace? Please. With rush hour, you’re looking at a good eon just to get to Proxima Centauri.

2> You people say “tentacled alien overlords” like it’s some kind of a bad thing.

and the Number 1 Complaint by Real Aliens About Earthling Science
Fiction…

1> Our females would not, under any circumstances, have sex with Kirk.

.

Credits:

Selected from 36 submissions from 11 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

Joseph Moore, Concord, CA — 1, 2, 4 (1st #1! Hat trick! Woo-hoo!)
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL — 3, 5
Charles d’Olive, Waterloo, IA — Topic
John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI — Prime Director