September 12, 2007      Share

The Top 7 Things People
*Say* They Look for in a Mate

7> Says she wants someone to be the father of her children but
neglects to tell you she already has seven of them.

6> Says he likes a natural look but apparently that means saline
implants, not silicone.

5> Says he’s looking for someone who is “comfortable in their own
skin” but means, “comfortable enough so he can wear it once
he’s done with you.”

4> Says he’d love to find someone who can appreciate distinctions
but the distinction is the difference between *convicted*
livestock fondler and *accused* livestock fondler.

3> Says she wanted her boyfriend to be the envy her girlfriends,
but not because he’s wearing better clothes.

2> Says she wanted a guy who would always be there for her, but
that didn’t mean he couldn’t leave to look for a job.

and the Number 1 Thing People *Say* They Look for in a Mate…
1> Says he wants someone like his mom, but she never did pole



Selected from 43 submissions from 11 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Joe Terranova, Lake Orion, MI — 1 17th #1!
Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL — 1, 2, 3 (18th #1/Ménage à trois!)
James Knowles, Bellingham, WA — 4
Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN — 5
Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia — 6
Deborah Atkinson, Denver, CO — 7
Barb McMullen, Ann Arbor, MI — Counselor

RUNNERS UP list — Check Mate

Says he loves quiet walks on the beach, but always tries for noisy
bangs in the dunes.
     (Joe Terranova, Lake Orion, MI)

Says he prefers ovaries, but he seems to look for them in men’s
     (Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO)

Says he’s looking for a girl just like Mom, except without the 47
axe wounds and not buried his back yard.
     (James Knowles, Bellingham, WA)

Says she wants a man from a big family, but feels really creepy
with Vinnie, Sally Fats, Big Joe, Tony Knuckles and Vito Two-Guns
always hanging around.
     (Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)

Says she wants a man who is not afraid of commitment, but then
complains that he drinks every single solitary day.
     (Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)

Says she wants a man who knows who he is, but falls for any guy
with his name on his shirt.
     (J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA)

Says she wants a man who makes her laugh, but doesn’t explain the
“but not when I have to pee” codex.
     (Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)

Says she wants a man who will be a good provider and then objects
to cleaning all his fish, deer, squirrels and possums.
     (Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)

Says she wants a rugged and outdoorsy type, but then complains
about the beard down to his belly-button.
     (Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA)

Says she wants a sensitive man, but then gets turned off when he
cries ’til his makeup runs during the Super Bowl.
     (Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA)

Says she wants a smart, athletic hardbody, yet her own BMI is
greater than her IQ.
     (Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA)