May 7, 2008     

Next!

NOTE FROM TRISH:

A new study out of Northwestern University
shows that breaking up isn’t as hard in reality
as people perceive it to be. Folks have an
innate ability to find coping mechanisms. Our
gang, as always, found some creative ones.

The Top 9 Signs That
Breaking Up Isn’t All That Hard to Do

9> Now the broom is in the closet where you need it, not between
her legs driving her to the mall.

8> Sudden happy realization comes to you that you can now crank
up the volume on your internet porn.

7> Two words: Baywatch Marathon.

6> She got the house, furniture, paintings and the china. You got
the Ferrari. Using guy math that’s a major win!

5> Filling her side of the fridge with beer: $75. Unlimited porn
pay-per-view: $50. Orgasming without that stupid condom:
Priceless.

4> You were eventually acquitted, so technically that breakup
didn’t kill *you* anyway.

3> The stalking was taking up too much of your study time anyway.

2> Now the only person you’ll have to spit and not swallow for is
your dentist.

and the Number 1 Sign That Breaking Up Isn’t All That Hard to Do…

1> The moaning, the sighing, the yearning? Uh, that’s you in bed
with Rebound Man.

.

Credits:

Selected from 44 submissions from 14 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Carrie Alexander, Upper Peninsula, MI — 1 (3rd #1!)
Vic Vitek, Hopewell Junction, NY — 2
Joe Terranova, Lake Orion, MI — 3
Julie Nusbaum, Hamilton, IN — 4
Mike Johnson, Cody, WY — 5, 7, 9 (Hat trick!)
Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA — 6
Ross Bennett, Reedsville, PA — 8
Barb McMullen, Ann Arbor, MI — Topic
Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA — Advice Columnist

RUNNERS UP list — Talk to the Hand

Although some women do gain weight due to depression, you’re
ecstatic about your recent gain of 24 million pounds. (Heather
Mills only.)

(Julie Nusbaum, Hamilton, IN)

Although they were small, his “rocky mountain oysters” made a
lovely appetizer for your womens’ singles group.

(Eleanor Salerno, White Plains, NY)

The Ben & Jerry’s shelf at your local supermarket remains fully
stocked.

(Carrie Alexander, Upper Peninsula, MI)

(Barb McMullen, Ann Arbor, MI)

Well, it’s not like you were going to pack up all your Star Wars
collectibles to make room for all her stuff in your mom’s basement
anyway.

(Julie Nusbaum, Hamilton, IN)

You become engaged the next day to his best friend.

(Phyllis Reinhard, E. Fallowfield, PA)

You change your Match.com profile to begin: Hot Virgin…”

(Phyllis Reinhard, E. Fallowfield, PA)

You finally feel back at home as you watch Ultimate Fighting lying
on your couch in your underwear.

(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)

You found out that it’s true there’s another train along every ten
minutes and this one has a rockin’ caboose.

(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)

You immediately adopt 50 kids with Angelina Jolie.

(Carrie Alexander, Upper Peninsula, MI)

You never would have had enough time to give submissions for Top5
every week while you were catering to his every whim.

(Jeremie Wallis, Seattle, WA)

Your iPod is a much more enjoyable device now that it’s free of
Journey and Kenny Rogers songs.

(Ross Bennett, Reedsville, PA)

Your other 3 girlfriends will appreciate the extra attention.

(Joe Terranova, Lake Orion, MI)