August 13th, 2008
NOTE FROM TRISH:
Home catching on fire a lot? Dog keeps
getting kidnapped for ransom? It’s a
good bet your ex has an ax to grind.
getting kidnapped for ransom? It’s a
good bet your ex has an ax to grind.
The Top 9 Inklings That
You’re Being Stalked by Your Ex
You’re Being Stalked by Your Ex
9> You could swear that your lawn gnome is wearing a wire.
8> When you come home, her initials have been shaved into the dog.
7> A video of you taking a shower on Wednesday had the most hits on YouTube on Thursday.
6> At the museum, the eyes of all the painting seem to follow you through the gallery.
5> As you come to bed you discover a chalk outline of your body on the bedspread, UNDER a chalk outline of his body.
4> You go to pick up the phone and are thrilled to discover a telemarketer is calling.
3> Your underwear drawer has been rifled — with an actual rifle.
2> For the first time in years, he sent you a card on your birthday. And his birthday. And Lincoln’s birthday. And Don Knotts’ birthday.
and the Number 1 Inkling That You’re Being Stalked by Your Ex…
1> That frowny face on your diaphragm sure as hell didn’t draw itself.
.
Credits:
Selected from 35 submissions from 10 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 1 7th #1!
Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD — 2, 7, 8 (Hat trick!)
Carrie Alexander, Upper Peninsula, MI — 3, 4
Mike Johnson, Cody, WY — 5
Chuck Salerno, Fullerton, CA — 6, 9
Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD — Banner tag
Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA — Advice Columnist
RUNNERS UP list — Don’t hate me because I hate you.
All HIS shows are programmed on your Tivo.
(Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY)
During the night, he thoughtfully rotated your tires, just like he used to. Only this time, he rotated them onto someone else’s car.
(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD)
Every new woman you date ends up getting hurt in a freak accident of the Ginsu-knife-to-the-back variety.
(Chris White, Los Angeles, CA)
No matter how many times you put down fertilizer, dead grass keeps spelling out your ex’s name in the front yard.
(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)
Panicked feelings of paranoia? Check. Increase in the amount of bills that arrive late? Check. Always having the same car follow you home? Check. Pets are all safe an– OMIGOSH! Someone check the rabbit!
(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)
Seconds after using the bathroom, you get a text message that says “Put the seat down, dammit!”
(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD)
The wizzing sound past your ear followed by a huge bang sound.
(Steven Lunetta, Tuscon, AZ)
UPS and FedEx drive by an awful lot and you’re the only one living on a dead end street.
(Chuck Salerno, Fullerton, CA)
You don’t recall Moviefone ever asking you the name of your whorish date before.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Your Beanie Baby collection is boiling on the stove.
(Barb McMullen, Ann Arbor, MI)
Your mother e-mails you back wondering why you want taken out of her will for being “a naughty boy not worthy of the sweet girlfriend who was taken for granted.”
(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)
Your new girlfriend keeps getting pamphlets sent to her home about premature ejaculation, but your name is on the address label.
(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)
(Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY)
During the night, he thoughtfully rotated your tires, just like he used to. Only this time, he rotated them onto someone else’s car.
(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD)
Every new woman you date ends up getting hurt in a freak accident of the Ginsu-knife-to-the-back variety.
(Chris White, Los Angeles, CA)
No matter how many times you put down fertilizer, dead grass keeps spelling out your ex’s name in the front yard.
(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)
Panicked feelings of paranoia? Check. Increase in the amount of bills that arrive late? Check. Always having the same car follow you home? Check. Pets are all safe an– OMIGOSH! Someone check the rabbit!
(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)
Seconds after using the bathroom, you get a text message that says “Put the seat down, dammit!”
(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD)
The wizzing sound past your ear followed by a huge bang sound.
(Steven Lunetta, Tuscon, AZ)
UPS and FedEx drive by an awful lot and you’re the only one living on a dead end street.
(Chuck Salerno, Fullerton, CA)
You don’t recall Moviefone ever asking you the name of your whorish date before.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Your Beanie Baby collection is boiling on the stove.
(Barb McMullen, Ann Arbor, MI)
Your mother e-mails you back wondering why you want taken out of her will for being “a naughty boy not worthy of the sweet girlfriend who was taken for granted.”
(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)
Your new girlfriend keeps getting pamphlets sent to her home about premature ejaculation, but your name is on the address label.
(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)
