July 29th, 2008
NOTE FROM THE SPEAKER:
Noted columnist Robert Novak, the man
who outed Valerie Plame, among other
achievements, is back in the news again
after striking a DC pedestrian with his
Corvette. How else might a political
columnist get more public attention?
who outed Valerie Plame, among other
achievements, is back in the news again
after striking a DC pedestrian with his
Corvette. How else might a political
columnist get more public attention?
The Top 9 Dubious Ways for
a Columnist to Become Famous
a Columnist to Become Famous
9> Refer to Barack Obama only as “The Dark Knight.”
8> Throw his pastor under the bus. Literally.
7> Always refers to “white candidate John McCain” and “black-and-white candidate Barack Obama.”
6> Publicly offer to arm-wrestle Eleanor Clift for her newspaper slots, winner take all.
5> “…and on a final note, JFK was killed by Lyndon Johnson.”
4> Print details of “hardballing” Chris Matthews.
3> Admit to waterboarding Natalie Wood.
2> Run down all the major VP candidates, along with any security personnel near them on the sidewalk.
and the Number 1 Dubious Way for a Columnist to Become Famous…
1> Work his way up the rankings of the Columnist Division of Ultimate Fighting.
.
Credits:
Selected from 33 submissions from 10 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA — 1
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 2, 8
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL — 3
Russell Beland, Springfield, VA — 4
John English, Provo, UT — 5, 7
Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL — 6
Russell Cannon, Anniston, AL — 9
Randy Lee, Burke, VA — Banner tag
The Speaker, Washington, DC — The Speaker
RUNNERS UP list — Plop-Eds
Begin a series of scorching expose articles about herself.
(Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA)
Corvette? Pshaw! Whack a pedestrian with a gas-guzzling Hummer!
(John English, Provo, UT)
Go to the window, lean out, and shout “I’m trite as hell and you’re going to take even more!”
(Russell Beland, Springfield, VA)
Have Britney drive him to his next court appearance.
(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)
Leak his own sex tape.
(Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA)
Refer to John McCain as “The Manchurian Candidate.”
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Show up for interview with General Petraeus dressed as Osama bin Laden and demand to see “the infidel in charge around here.”
(Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL)
Write about his near miss with Chris Hansen.
(Randy Lee, Burke, VA)
Say anything as long as the column ends with “the Senator has yet to deny the charge.”
(John English, Provo, UT)
Runners Up list name
(Randy Lee, Burke, VA)
(Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA)
Corvette? Pshaw! Whack a pedestrian with a gas-guzzling Hummer!
(John English, Provo, UT)
Go to the window, lean out, and shout “I’m trite as hell and you’re going to take even more!”
(Russell Beland, Springfield, VA)
Have Britney drive him to his next court appearance.
(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)
Leak his own sex tape.
(Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA)
Refer to John McCain as “The Manchurian Candidate.”
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Show up for interview with General Petraeus dressed as Osama bin Laden and demand to see “the infidel in charge around here.”
(Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL)
Write about his near miss with Chris Hansen.
(Randy Lee, Burke, VA)
Say anything as long as the column ends with “the Senator has yet to deny the charge.”
(John English, Provo, UT)
Runners Up list name
(Randy Lee, Burke, VA)
