July 22nd, 2008
The Top 9 Signs
That Lifeguard Is a Bear
That Lifeguard Is a Bear
9> He gets up on the high dive, but then needs to be rescued himself.
8> Most lifeguards don’t wear fur coats on the job in July.
7> Always eats his first three “rescues” after hibernation.
6> Every meal is exactly the same: porridge.
5> Anyone running poolside is grabbed by the scruff of their neck with her teeth.
4> The slow-motion running down the beach? Beautiful. The mauling? Not so much.
3> He’s dribbling scraps of towel boy.
2> He snags a magazine and heads off to the woods during rest periods.
and the Number 1 Sign That Lifeguard Is a Bear…
1> His Speedo is size 56 Extra Ursine.
.
Credits:
Selected from 65 submissions from 24 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA — 1, 3 (12th #1)
Stephen Dudzik, Olney, MD — 2
Randy Lee, Burke, VA — 2
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — 2
Guy Reeves, Houston, TX — 4
Barb McMullen, Ann Arbor, MI — 5
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 6, 8
Colleen McGrath, Casa Grande, AZ — 7
Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX — 9
Amy Casin, Hamburg, NY — Banner tag
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA — List Vet
RUNNERS UP list — Floaters
All of your pool company stocks are in the tank.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Either that or Robin Williams is wearing a Speedo at your beach.
(Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL)
Has a strict “no campfires” policy.
(Colleen McGrath, Casa Grande, AZ)
He can retrieve anyone from the water, as long as they’re swimming upstream.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
He casually walks over to the toddler drowning in the kiddies pool and proceeds to whack him out of the pool with one mighty sweep of his paw.
(Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia)
(G. Griebenow, Johannesburg, S. Africa)
His vacation coincides perfectly with the salmon run.
(John Eagle, Orange, CA)
Instead of CPR, he uses the Bear Hug of Life.
(John Eagle, Orange, CA)
Silly antics ensue every time he spots a bather leaving food unguarded.
(Steven Lunetta, Tucson, AZ)
That’s not zinc oxide on his nose. He’s rabid.
(Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA)
The pool is open year-round but she fails to report for work each and every winter.
(Rose Rieur, Avon, CT)
(Leonard Topolski, Pearland, TX)
While it may be a highly kept secret whether or not he poops in the woods, it is pretty clear that he pees in the shallow end.
(Steven Lunetta, Tucson, AZ)
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Either that or Robin Williams is wearing a Speedo at your beach.
(Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL)
Has a strict “no campfires” policy.
(Colleen McGrath, Casa Grande, AZ)
He can retrieve anyone from the water, as long as they’re swimming upstream.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
He casually walks over to the toddler drowning in the kiddies pool and proceeds to whack him out of the pool with one mighty sweep of his paw.
(Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia)
(G. Griebenow, Johannesburg, S. Africa)
His vacation coincides perfectly with the salmon run.
(John Eagle, Orange, CA)
Instead of CPR, he uses the Bear Hug of Life.
(John Eagle, Orange, CA)
Silly antics ensue every time he spots a bather leaving food unguarded.
(Steven Lunetta, Tucson, AZ)
That’s not zinc oxide on his nose. He’s rabid.
(Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA)
The pool is open year-round but she fails to report for work each and every winter.
(Rose Rieur, Avon, CT)
(Leonard Topolski, Pearland, TX)
While it may be a highly kept secret whether or not he poops in the woods, it is pretty clear that he pees in the shallow end.
(Steven Lunetta, Tucson, AZ)
