NOTE FROM THE LIST VET:

A Montgomery County, MD man was arrested after a researcher tracking a radio-equipped turtle in Washington DC’s Rock Creek Park found the animal standing in a garden of marijuana plants in a remote area of the park.

The Top 8 Reasons Cops Don’t Use Drug-Finding Turtles

8> Under [...]

NOTE FROM THE LIST VET:

Many seaside resorts and marine parks offer “Dolphin Encounters,” where for a large fistful of cash you can swim and play with a friendly dolphin in an enclosed area. How could something so benign possibly turn ugly?

The Top 9 Signs Your Dolphin Encounter Is About [...]

The Top 9 Steps in Catnip Rehab

9> Make a list of all persons we harmed, and became willing to ignore them all in the future.

8> Humbly forgive all of the dog’s shortcomings.

7> Admit we were powerless over catnip, and that– WHOA! There goes the mouse toy under the couch! GET IT! GET IT!

6> Vow [...]

The Top 9 Duties of a Mob Veterinarian

9> Fix the records so it shows Fido was in your office for his annual check-up when Jimmy Hoffa disappeared.

8> Collect stool pigeon samples.

7> Drug the ceremonial doves for rival families’ weddings so they crap all over the brides.

6> Teach Fido how to bury bones, and bury [...]

The Top 9 Signs That Lifeguard Is a Bear

9> He gets up on the high dive, but then needs to be rescued himself.

8> Most lifeguards don’t wear fur coats on the job in July.

7> Always eats his first three “rescues” after hibernation.

6> Every meal is exactly the same: porridge.

5> Anyone running [...]

The Top 9 Reasons Your 4-H Livestock Project Is Doomed to Fail

9> The twelve agents from the Center for Disease Control in HAZMAT suits setting up biohazard tape around your bunny hutch might be a clue.

8> Your exquisite Japanese Silky chicken is just a pigeon wrapped in a feather boa.

7> Cows [...]

The Top 9 Things Overheard at a Llama-Shearing Party

9> “Careful, we want them sheared, not circumcised.”

8> “Does anyone have a lint roller?”

7> “No, sweetie! We’re just shearing llamas today. Leave the nice kitty alone.”

6> “I just had a flashback to Boot Camp.”

5> “Don’t tempt yourself again by leaving [...]

The Top 9 Obedience School “Most Likelies”

9> Most Likely to Let His Master Perish in a Fire

8> Most Likely to Keep Knocking Stuff off the Table with His Wagging Tail

7> Most Likely to Fall for the Fake Ball Throw (41-way tie)

6> Most Likely to Pass a Drug Sniff-Test and Fail a [...]

The Top 9 Animal Hospital Departments

9> Intensive Cur Unit

8> Primate AhhAhhOopOopOopstetrics

7> Avian Billing

6> Oinkology

5> Parakeet Prettyatrics

4> Mareternity Ward

3> Crab Cancer Center

2> Donkey Eeee-Arrrr

and the Number 1 Animal Hospital Department…

1> Wee Slicket Cowerin’ Tim’rous Beasties Burns Unit

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Credits:

Selected from 47 submissions from 17 contributors. This week’s list authors are:

Ross Bennett, Reedsville, [...]

NOTE FROM THE LIST VET:

June is Adopt-A-Cat Month!

The Top 7 Little-Known Benefits of Adopting a Cat

7> Mom stops asking if you’re ever getting married.

6> The build-up of cat hair makes your carpet three times softer.

5> Cats are petty, vindictive, self-absorbed and lazy, but cost less than 10% as much as a former [...]