December 3, 2007     

Practice random acts of hind licks.

The Top 8 Effects of
Toxic Waste on Squirrels

8> The distinction “flying squirrel” is now redundant.

7> When you hit one with your car, it chases you down and dents
the hood with its fists.

6> They taste just like chicken. From Chernobyl.

5> Towering twig-and-cement nut-silos now dominate the woodland
skyline.

4> When they bite a rabid dog, the dog explodes.

3> Rocky’s not so cute when he’s sitting on the Empire State
Building swatting at airplanes, is he?

2> Neighborhood dogs are found mysteriously dead, each lying in
the center of a pentagram made of acorns.

and the Number 1 Effect of Toxic Waste on Squirrels…

1> That tingly paranoia about them being out to get you? Now it’s
warranted.

.

Credits:

Selected from 42 submissions from 14 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 1, 8 (13th #1)
Russ Beland, Springfield, VA — 2
Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO — 3
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 4
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 5
Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 6
Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA — 7
Rose Rieur, Avon, CT — Banner tag
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA — List Vet

RUNNERS UP list — Half nuts

After six months they begin looking just like Barry Bonds.

(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

Now it’s Bullwinkle who soars through the air thanks to a flick of
Rocky’s wrist.

(Russ Beland, Springfield, VA)

On successive days you find Fido with two black eyes, blood-matted
fur, a wedgie and no lunch money.

(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Their nuts glow in the dark.

(Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA)

Runners Up list name

(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)