December 3rd, 2007
The Top 8 Effects of
Toxic Waste on Squirrels
Toxic Waste on Squirrels
8> The distinction “flying squirrel” is now redundant.
7> When you hit one with your car, it chases you down and dents the hood with its fists.
6> They taste just like chicken. From Chernobyl.
5> Towering twig-and-cement nut-silos now dominate the woodland skyline.
4> When they bite a rabid dog, the dog explodes.
3> Rocky’s not so cute when he’s sitting on the Empire State Building swatting at airplanes, is he?
2> Neighborhood dogs are found mysteriously dead, each lying in the center of a pentagram made of acorns.
and the Number 1 Effect of Toxic Waste on Squirrels…
1> That tingly paranoia about them being out to get you? Now it’s warranted.
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Credits:
Selected from 42 submissions from 14 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 1, 8 (13th #1)
Russ Beland, Springfield, VA — 2
Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO — 3
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 4
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 5
Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 6
Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA — 7
Rose Rieur, Avon, CT — Banner tag
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA — List Vet
RUNNERS UP list — Half nuts
After six months they begin looking just like Barry Bonds.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Now it’s Bullwinkle who soars through the air thanks to a flick of Rocky’s wrist.
(Russ Beland, Springfield, VA)
On successive days you find Fido with two black eyes, blood-matted fur, a wedgie and no lunch money.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Their nuts glow in the dark.
(Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA)
Runners Up list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Now it’s Bullwinkle who soars through the air thanks to a flick of Rocky’s wrist.
(Russ Beland, Springfield, VA)
On successive days you find Fido with two black eyes, blood-matted fur, a wedgie and no lunch money.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Their nuts glow in the dark.
(Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA)
Runners Up list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
