February 20, 2008     

Live from lavish isolation in Dubai, it’s…

NOTE FROM ANDY:

Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” album
celebrates its 25th anniversary this
year. It’s the best-selling album in
history, with current sales topping 104
million copies. And still going!
What’s the best way to celebrate this
feat, the man, and his music?

The Top 9 Ways to Commemorate
the 25th Anniversary of “Thriller”

9> A box of bandages, a case of Jesus Juice, and 104 naked
five-year-old boys.

8> Find a way to buy your way out of spending the next 25 in the
clink for pedophilia.

7> Nothing says “congrats on the great album” like a herd of
theatre geeks dressed like zombies dancing to “Thriller” in a
mall hallway.

6> Marvel at how good Michael’s zombie makeup is, 25 years later.

5> Chug a Pepsi and light your Jheri curl aflame, Holmes!

4> Call up Paul McCartney, see if he wants to duet on “The Girl
is *Yours*”

3> I keep seeing those hastily-constructed carnivals in mall
parking lots. Why not my front yard?

2> Do things that mimic the experience of listening to Thriller,
such as getting a prostate exam with a rhinestone glove.

and the Number 1 Way to Commemorate the 25th Anniversary of “Thriller”…

1> Share with the world your love of flowers, children and killer
whales, then get a mind-blowing handjob from Macaulay Culkin.

.

Credits:

Selected from 46 submissions from 13 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 1, 5, 8 (Hat trick!) (6th
#1!)
Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN — 2
Michele Lord, Lincoln, NE — 3, 7
Mike Davis, San Antonio, TX — 4
Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA — 6
Roy Opochinski, Toms River, NJ — 9
Amy Lane, Waterboro, ME — Topic
Andy Grosser, Somerville, MA — Banner tag, Maestro

RUNNERS UP list — Jocko Homo?

Beat it. Repeatedly.

(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)

Celebrate the end of court-ordered support payments to Billie
Jean.

(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)

Do 25 laps in a pool of bleach.

(Judith Cottrill, Bronx, New York)

For once, have *both* hands off your crotch and throw them in the
air while yelling “Yi’hee!”

(Gideon Griebenow, Johannesburg, S. Africa)

Get arrested in the Philippines, just so you can wear an orange
jumpsuit and strut your stuff.

(Andy Grosser, Somerville, MA)

Get nose jobs for yourself and any family members who may have had
only one or two.

(Judith Cottrill, Bronx, New York)

Purchase rights to Jackson’s entire catalog; wrap nicely and give
to Paul McCartney as a 25th anniversary gift.

(Michele Lord, Lincoln, NE)

Runners Up List Name

(Mark Mothersbaugh, Akron, OH)