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September 27, 2006
Wrong Band to Perform at Your Wedding
8> Canned explosions and polka music just don’t mix.
7> The washboard player has the garter in his teeth, but the
bride hasn’t thrown it yet.
6> The bass player named “Dr. Heathen Scum” with the video
camera isn’t so weird. But the guitarist named “Sickie Wife-
Beater” with the very large red snapper is just plain creepy.
5> “I’d like to dedicate this next song to the sweet little
heart tattoo the bride has right below the dimple on that
fine ass of hers.”
4> Their version of “The Chicken Dance” requires members of the
kitchen staff, a machete and a permit fee to the local
department of animal control.
3> The lead didgeridoo player has never even *heard* of “Hava
Nagila.”
2> They start their set by tearing a photo of Sinead O’Connor in
half, saying “Fight the real enemy!”
“Butterfly Kisses.”
Selected from 37 submissions from 15 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Dustin Moskowitz, Skillman, NJ — 1 (2nd #1!)
Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA — 2
Bill Martin, Los Angeles, CA — 3
Matt Kall, Solon, OH — 4
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 5
Patricia Kellogg, Cleveland, OH — 6
Mike Davis, San Antonio, TX — 6
Brian Bell, Seattle, WA — 7
Erik Deckers, Syracuse, IN — 8
Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA — Topic
Andy Grosser, Boston, MA — Banner tag
Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY — Maestro
(Brian Bell, Seattle, WA)
They still don’t have a lead singer, but at least they were pretty
cheap. (Van Halen only)
(Dustin Moskowitz, Skillman, NJ)
Lead singer’s last minute demand to be the bride’s last fling.
(Will Middelaer, New Britain, CT)
The good news: It’s a Led Zeppelin reunion appearance.
The bad news: You’re marrying their super-groupie Pamela Des
Barres, and she’s in on the reunion, if you know what I mean.
(Erik Deckers, Syracuse, IN)
I didn’t even know GWAR played weddings.
(Michele Lord, Lincoln, NE)
“Sing with me now — ‘D-I-V-O-R-C-E!’”
(Mike Davis, San Antonio, TX)
The lead singer is wearing nothing but homemade cellophane pants.
(Brian Bell, Seattle, WA)
Beer pong in the Hokey Pokey circle is overshadowed by moshing on
the stage.
(Paul L. Gaba, Village of Wellington, FL)
Runners Up list name
(G. Griebenow, Johannesburg, S. Africa)