September 6, 2006     

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The Top 9 Signs Your
Band Member’s a Baby

9> He expects everyone to praise him when he uses the bathroom.

8> He wears a diaper, babbles incoherently, has to be wheeled
everywhere and can’t handle his own hygeine, but is not
Keith Richards, Ozzy Osbourne or David Crosby.

7> His skin is smoother and balder than most of the groupies’.

6> He’s John Waite. Y’know, the former lead singer of the Babys?
Hello? *taptap* Is this thing on??

5> The tour is sponsored by Gerber.

4> He’s too young for both Michael Jackson and Cher.

3> Never seen without a breast in one hand and a bottle in the
other.

2> Groupies can return home to their parents and tell the truth
for a change about the stains on their blouses.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Band Member’s a Baby…

1> All the strangled cries, drooling and tantrums? Either she’s
a baby, or she’s Bjork.

.

Credits:

Selected from 41 submissions from 14 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Erik Deckers, Syracuse, IN — 1 (Woohoo! 1st #1!)
Tina Danecke, Edmonton, AB — 2
Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX — 3, 8
Mike Davis, San Antonio, TX — 4, 8
Paul L. Gaba, Village of Wellington, FL — 5
Terry Mingle, Cortland, NY — 6
Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN — 7
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 8
Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA — 8
Judith Cottrill, Bronx, New York — 9
Matt Kall, Solon, OH — Topic
Bill Martin, Los Angeles, CA — Banner tag
Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY — Maestro

RUNNERS UP list - Diaper Rash

Holds his breath and turns blue until the rest of the band agrees
to play “Free Bird.”

(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)

Groupies have to pat him on the back until he belches.

(Judith Cottrill, Bronx, New York)

Spends an inordinate amount of time suckling on just one woman’s
breasts.

(Matt Kall, Solon, OH)

That smell ain’t whiskey.

(Whit Watson, Winter Park, FL)

Bass player goes through 20% more spit guards than the lead
singer.

(Matt Kall, Solon, OH)

Insists that his dressing room at all concert arenas include a
wetnurse and changing station.

(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)

A fan throwing a beach ball on the stage ends his playing for the
night.

(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)

He passed on the hot groupies so he could check out “Sesame Street
Live.”

(Mike Davis, San Antonio, TX)

Runners Up list name

(Bill Martin, Los Angeles, CA)