January 29, 2003     

The Top 8 Signs You Won’t
Be Winning a Grammy Award

8> You’re being detained in Guantanamo.

7> Sammy Hagar? Understandable. Gary Cherone? Forgivable. But
c’mon, David Hasselhoff?!

6> Unbelievably, “Best Bodily Function Recording,” “Best Happy
Grunge,” and “Best Yodeling Polka Album” are suspiciously
absent from the list of categories this year.

5> Hans Blix reports that despite several surprise inspections,
they still haven’t found any of your alleged hidden “musical
talent.”

4> Other nominee: Dramatically gunned down in a drive-by.
You: Hospitalized for hemorrhoid surgery.

3> J. Lo: Engaged to Ben Affleck.
You: Engaged to the duck from AFLAC.

2> Been spending too much time researching Satanic necrophilia
on the Internet to release a new album.

and the Number 1 Sign You Won’t Be Winning a Grammy Award…

1> Your most recent video featured you wearing a skimpy outfit
and writhing on the floor with sweat dripping from your
body… and that’s just NOT how people want to see you, Ozzy.

.

Credits:

Selected from 31 submissions from 12 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

Joseph Prisco, Ithaca, NY — 1, 7 (4th #1!)
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL — 2, 8
Janis Spidle, Kansas City, MO — 3
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 4, 6
Bill Martin, Los Angeles, CA — 5, RU list name
Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT — 6
Brad Wilkerson, El Sobrante, CA — 6, Topic
Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA — Banner tag
Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY — Maestro