January 9, 2008     

Now publicly traded!

NOTE FROM ANDY:

First things first: Happy New Year from
TopFive Music!
Now then…
Rapper Jay-Z recently announced he’ll be
stepping down as president of Def Jam
Records to get back into performing music.
What sort of information can we find out
about other musician executives?

The Top 8 Secrets
of Musician Executives

8> Ozzy’s secret executive desire: bite the head off an
accountant.

7> Edie Brickell: Uses her clout to keep things Simonized[tm].

6> Michael Jackson: Agrees to distribute your music, but only as
commercial jingles.

5> Willie Nelson: “I’m heading up a banking firm which is leading
the global effort to purchase American debt back from the
Chinese on a guaranteed diminished return ratio….naw. Just
messin’ with ya. Gotta joint?”

4> Gary Glitter and Marilyn Manson have teamed up to co-chair a
firm that markets prosthetic sex toys to children.

3> All of M.C. Hammer’s employment contracts contain a golden
parachute pants clause.

2> Ringo Starr: Assistant Manager, Liverpool McDonald’s night
shift.

and the Number 1 Secret of Musician Executives…

1> 50 Cent: President of Coinstar.

.

Credits:

Selected from 22 submissions from 6 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Dave Ferry, Purvis, MS — 1 (10th #1!)
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL — 2
Janis Spidle, Kansas City, MO — 3, 8
Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN — 4, 5
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 6
Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA — 7
Andy Grosser, Somerville, MA — Topic
Amy Lane, Waterboro, ME — Banner tag
Andy Grosser, Somerville, MA — Maestro

RUNNERS UP list — Bored of the Board

Billy Joel started his own roadside assistance program after being
denied repeated requests to join the board of directors of AAA.

(Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA)

Britney Spears: Outsources all children’s music to K-Fed’s label.

(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)

Buddy Holly: Passed up a controlling stake in Airflight Navigation
Technologies.

(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)

Kenny Rogers: Used his business acumen from his restaurant chain
and combined it with his new hobby and purchased an entire plastic
surgery clinic.

(Gary Reynolds, West Lafayette, IN)

Mark Knopfler: Director of ASPCA; Stray Cat Division.

(Dave Ferry, Purvis, MS)

Stevie Nicks: CEO, Coke.

(Dave Ferry, Purvis, MS)

Runners Up list name

(Andy Grosser, Somerville, MA)