March 9, 2005     

The Top 7 Reasons Your Video
Won’t Make VH1’s Top 20 Countdown

8> The song is an 87-minute Irish jig.

7> “For the last time, Ms. Hilton, this is a *music* video
countdown.”

6> High kicking and arms in the air: Okay.
Jackboots and Nazi brownshirt uniforms: Not so much.

5> It’s not one of those new-fangled “talkies.”

4> They don’t accept Betamax.

3> Turns out PETA, the NAACP and that federal subpoena that’s
been taped to the screen door for three months all seem to
indicate that airing your video would disgust 98.7% of the
world’s population, thus breaking the 17 year-old record of
97.4% held by Starship’s “We Built This City.”

2> Requisite skimpy Catholic schoolgirl uniform? Check.
Lots of flesh visible as you dance? Check.
Fat, hairy, middle-aged man? Uh-oh.

and the Number 1 Reason Your Video Won’t Make VH1’s Top 20
Countdown…

1> At one point in the video, you suffer a “sphincter
malfunction.”

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Credits:

Selected from 36 submissions from 13 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

Scott Bostick, Lake Ridge, VA — 1, 3, Banner tag (3rd #1!)
Curtis Stoddard, Milwaukie, OR — 2
Whit Watson, Winter Park, FL — 4
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL — 5
Brian Bell, Seattle, WA — 6
Rabbi Crut, Bowling Green, OH — 7
Dustin Moskowitz, Skillman, NJ — 7
Michele Lord, Lincoln, NE — 8
Jessica Tanenbaum, New York, NY — Topic
Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY — Maestro