February 22, 2007     

0.003% as Popular as Jesus!

NOTE FROM JEFF:

Well, we have to admit it, we mocked David Lee Roth
for thinking he and Van Halen would ever reunite.

But lo (and behold!), Diamond Dave will be Van Halen’s
lead singer once again for this summer’s tour.

The Top 9 Reasons David Lee
Roth and Van Halen Are Reuniting

9> It was the only way Dave could deduct his spandex purchases as
a business expense.

8> Misery loves pathetic egomaniacal grandstanding.

7> Getting on in years, Eddie felt a need to make up with either
Valerie or David Lee — so he opted for the bitch.

6> Divorces are expensive, and Diamond Dave works for scale.

5> It’s the only way Dave would tell Eddie what “Bozedy Bozedy
Bop, Ziddy Bop” meant, and that’s been bothering him for years.

4> The act works better with a bloated, egomaniacal frontman, and
Axl Rose, Randy Bachman, Joe Walsh, Ozzy Osbourne, Noel and Liam
Gallagher, Joan Jett, Belinda Carlisle, and Steve Jobs all
declined their invitations.

3> A series of “Tastes Great” vs. “Less Filling” commercials.

2> I’m assuming you want an answer somewhat deeper than a
massive truckload of cash?

and the Number 1 Reason David Lee Roth and Van Halen Are Reuniting…

1> It turns out that the whole Sammy Hagar/Gary Cherone fiasco
was just part of Pam Ewing’s bad dream, and when she woke up,
David Lee Roth had been right there in the shower the whole
time!

.

Credits:

Selected from 42 submissions from 15 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Chris White, Los Angeles, CA — 1 (3rd #1!)
Rabbi Crut, McComb, OH — 2, 3, 5 (Hat trick!)
Michele Lord, Lincoln, NE — 4
Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL — 4
Bill Martin, Los Angeles, CA — 4
Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA — 4, 6
Brian Bell, Seattle, WA — 7
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA — 8
Mike Davis, San Antonio, TX — 9
Matt Kall, Solon, OH — Topic
David Toth, Milwaukee, WI — Banner tag
Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY — Maestro

RUNNERS UP list - Women and Children’s Worst

Rogaine is effective, but darned expensive.

(Terry Mingle, Cortland, NY)

Only Diamond Dave’s hair bleach is strong enough to wash away the
stench of Gary Cherone.

(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)

It was either that, or Wolfgang had to get a day job.

(Mike Davis, San Antonio, TX)

It’s been twenty years. Spandex has to come back in style
eventually.

(Matt Kall, Solon, OH)

Didn’t want the Police to be the only band kicking each other’s
asses on stage this summer.

(David Toth, Milwaukee, WI)

The Jay and the Americans reunion was bogarting all the good
groupies.

(Chris White, Los Angeles, CA)

Life has been pretty dull lately, and they all were ready to
immerse themselves in the old bitterness and anger.

(Michele Lord, Lincoln, NE)

Runners Up list name

(David Toth, Milwaukee, WI)