The Top 9 Security
Measures at This Year’s Oscars

9> Ceremony to take place at an undisclosed location.

8> Head of Security: Michael Clark Duncan.

7> Security code words: Chemical attack - “Whitney” Biological attack - “Madonna” Nuclear attack - “Mariah”

6> Gag and restraints ready for Richard Gere. (Not a security measure so much as just a good idea.)

5> “Seat-fillers” now also “Uzi-carriers.”

4> Emergency evacuation plan in case anyone threatens to show clips from “Adventures of Pluto Nash.”

3> Keep tabs on that Omar Sharif guy.

2> Joan and Melissa Rivers used as human shields. (Shhh – don’t tell them.)

and the Number 1 Security Measure at This Year’s Oscars…

1> Thorough, repeated frisking of Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie.

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Credits:

Selected from 35 submissions from 11 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

Brad Wilkerson, El Sobrante, CA — 1, 3, 6 (3-pic deal! 1st #1)
Rabbi Crut, Bowling Green, OH — 1 (4th #1)
Janis Spidle, Kansas City, MO — 2, 7
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 4
Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA — 5
Kris Johnson, Glendale, CA — 7
Dave Ferry, Purvis, MS — 8
Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, VA — 9
Arthur Levesque, Laurel, MD — 9
Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA — Editor, wearing a wonderful
little number from JC Penney