September 1, 2011      Share

NOTE FROM KILROY:
Because it’s offensive in Afghan culture,
audible farting has been banned for some
Marines downwind — sorry, downrange.

The Top 9 Complaints about Marine Farts

9> Gunny and above can only squeak them out in the key of b-flat.

8> “Light ‘em if you got ‘em” commands have resulted in
overwhelmed sick bay burn units.

7> It takes a whole platoon to fire up the general’s grill.

6> The Corps will only issue you one silencer, period, and most
Marines are not properly threaded to receive it.

5> “It is nearly as offensive as having to view a woman’s chin.”

4> EOD bomb-sniffing canine units are asking for early
discharges.

3> Certain combinations of MREs actually violate the Geneva
convention on their way out.

2> “They stink worse than the goat I have been having my way
with.”

and the Number 1 Complaint about Marine Farts…
1> They smell like Marines.


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Credits:

Selected from 50 submissions from 10 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Edmund Conti, Raleigh, NC — 1 (1st #1! Woo-hoo!)
Dave Ferry, Purvis, MS — 2, 5
Edward Rodman, St. Marys, GA — 3, 7, 9
Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC — 3, 8
Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX — 3, Banner tag
Glenn Anthony, San Carlos, CA — 4
Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD — 6
Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn, VA — Topic
Kilroy, Washington, DC — Graffitist

RUNNERS UP list — Couldn’t Hold These In

“Do you know what the smell does to the poppy crop? All of our
s–t smells like s–t.”
     (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD)

Much to the chagrin of many devil dogs, they smell like
strawberries.
     (Edward Rodman, St. Marys, GA)

Navy Corpsmen hate working in MOPP 4.
     (Edward Rodman, St. Marys, GA)

Potential violation of international treaties concerning weapons
of ass destruction.
     (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn, VA)

Reports of “breaking wind” in Afghanistan have been misinterpreted
as storm warnings.
     (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, PA)

Since waterfowl are scarce in landlocked countries, no one gets
“Who stepped on a duck?” jokes.
     (Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC)

They are Semper Flatulent, no let-up.
     (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, NC)

They give away the location of stealth fighters.
     (Glenn Anthony, San Carlos, CA)

They make the Afghans fear colon-ization.
     (Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)

They set back the Westernization of Afghanistan due the dissonant
fusion of Gomer Pyle and Hee Haw archetypes.
     (Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC)

They’re more O.D. Green, less Afghan Tan.
     (Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)

Unneeded contributions to the fog of war.
     (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn, VA)

Runners Up list name
     (Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC)

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