June 30, 2011      Share

The U.S. Army is finally getting rid of the
black beret as standard headgear with the
field uniform, after years of complaints
about its lack of utility and difficulty to
maintain. So what other purpose might hundreds
of thousands of those things be good for?

The Top 9 Alternative Uses for Army Black Berets

9> Junk warmer for when you get reassigned to Fort Drum because
of your constant bitching about the black beret.

8> Elephant diaphragms.

7> Drop them over Iran. Keep ‘em guessing.

6> Reissue to French Mime Warfare Command.

5> Send them to Jamie Hyneman to wear, and bust myths about how
cool they look.

4> Get 17 berets and a platoon of Marines, re-enact the
children’s book “Caps for Sale.”

3> Slightly oversize eye patch for the sARRRge!

2> Sew two into a man-purse, where you can keep a copy of “The
Motorcycle Diaries.”

and the Number 1 Alternative Use for Army Black Berets…
1> Pasties for Dolly Parton and Aretha Franklin.



Selected from 65 submissions from 13 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD — 1, Topic (6th #1!)
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 1, 3 (17th #1!)
Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC — 2, 4
Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, PA — 2, 8
Bob Dalton, Arlington, VA — 3, 6
Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn, VA — 5, 6
Edward Rodman, St. Marys, GA — 6
Glenn Anthony, San Carlos, CA — 6
Edmund Conti, Raleigh, NC — 7
Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 8
Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX — 9, Banner tag
Kilroy, Washington, DC — Graffitist

RUNNERS UP list — WMD: Wardrobe, Mostly Derided

Adult diapers for aging ninjas.
     (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

Caps for your new baseball team, “The Frenchies.”
     (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, MD)

*Finally* skid-free skivvies (at least as far as anyone can tell).
     (Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)

Foldable frisbees.
     (Larry Mills, Keeseville, NY)
     (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, NC)
     (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn, VA)
     (Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY)
     (Bob Dalton, Arlington, VA)
     (Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC)
     (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

Give them to hockey fans to celebrate “beret tricks” (3 times in
the penalty box in one game).
     (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, NC)

Go to a retro-60′s party as a Black Panther.
     (Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC)

Move three around to hustle the easily fooled (and other officers)
in a shell game.
     (Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC)

Provide them as contest prizes: 1st prize is one beret, 2nd prize
is two berets, etc.
     (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, NC)

Repackage as Acme instant foxholes.
     (Edward Rodman, St. Marys, GA)

The old “flaming beret full of dog poop on someone’s porch” trick.
     (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

Use one to play Oliver Twist at the mess hall.
     (Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC)

Win first prize in the county fair Limp Hat Contest.
     (Glenn Anthony, San Carlos, CA)

Runners Up list name
     (Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)