August 9, 2007     

“Please return all bedpans to their locked and upright positions.”

NOTE FROM KIM:

Shot for shot, no one can keep up with an
experienced nurse. But eventually, even the best
hang up their stethoscopes for cleaner bedpans.

The Top 8 Ways to
Celebrate a Nurse’s Retirement

8> Move all the patient beds in the ICU around to spell out
“GOODBYE, CHRIS.”

7> Bedpan shooters and champagne enemas for everyone!

6> Create a festive, party atmosphere by burning all those
“comfortable-but-fugly” white shoes.

5> On her last shift, she gets to go Rock-Paper-Scissors with the
doctors over dumbass orders.

4> Giftwrap that new NA Eric for home bed bath use.

3> “A toast to Nurse Pat, who is retiring today after 30 years of
exemplary patient care. No one has been more dedicated to her
patients than she, and she always spoke fondly of ‘getting the
hell out of here.’ ”

2> Play the nursing version of pin the tail on the donkey with a
rectal thermometer and the first-year residents.

and the Number 1 Way to Celebrate a Nurse’s Retirement…

1> Save up a month of patient charts. Tell her she can’t leave
until all the charts are audited. Run like hell.

.

Credits:

Selected from 37 submissions from 12 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Jeff Rabinowitz DPM, Wilkes-Barre, PA — 1
Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO — 2
Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA — 3, 5
Melony Lamusk RN, Crenshaw, WI — 3
Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL — 4, 7, 8 (Hat trick!)
Jeffrey Morris, South Salem, NY — 6
Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA — 7
Kim Walker-Daniels RN/NWA, Madison, WI — Nurse Manager

RUNNERS UP list — Out the Door

Find her an empty bed, and let her push the call button over and
over and over and over and…
     (Jeffrey Morris, South Salem, NY)

For a change, on her last day, she gets to throw up on a patient.
     (Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO)

Runners Up list name
     (Jeffrey Morris, South Salem, NY)