5> No matter how hard you try, you can’t get that lawyer smell out of your suits.

4> With kids named Sue, Judge and Foreman, you actually consider naming your latest “Prosecutorial Misconduct.”

3> The only way you can perform sexually is if your partner asks for “permission to treat as [...]

9> Self-Help for Self-Help Repossessions

8> Pay My Bill and You’re OK

7> Defending Your Honor, Your Honor

6> Discovering the Better Lawyer Within… And Billing for Him, Too!

5> Lawyer, Depose Thyself!

4> Ethical Twinges, and How to Suppress Them

3> Chicken Soup for the Sleazy Corporate Lawyer’s Soul

2> There’s a Heart In There [...]

The Top 9 Signs Your City’s Mayor Is in Legal Trouble

9> City Council meetings now have extras seats for the corrections officers.

8> A class action sexual harassment suit is filed against him.

7> Announces he’s going on a seventeen state, four nation goodwill tour, but won’t say where or when.

6> [...]

9> “Be seated. Before we begin, let the record reflect that when we were kids, the defendant killed my dog.”

8> “I prefer to think of mandatory minimums as a starting point.”

7> “Looks like ‘Purty Mouth Dan’ has got himself a new cellmate.”

6> “So, this [...]

9> Advanced “Negotiation”: The Art of Making Offers One Can’t Refuse

8> Book Cookery

7> Ethics Schmethics: Everybody Does It, So Get Your Piece

6> Public Offerings: Bribery and Graft

5> Moral Bankruptcy

4> Contracts, Hits and Rub-Outs

3> Trusts & Omerta

2> Evidence: Destroying, Hiding and Keeping Yer Mouth Shut

and the Number 1 Course at [...]

9> “Overruled!” — OK. “Off with their heads!” — Not so much.

8> Remember, not all bailiffs are named “Rusty.”

7> It is inappropriate to rule against an attorney because back in law school he got that woman you had your eye on in Civ Pro.

6> Always check where your other hand [...]

6> If you lose all nine justices during oral argument, the screen glows red and the words “GAME OVER” appear.

5> Entering the correct cheat code will allow you to play the hidden “Breyer’s Boudoir” mini-game.

4> Even if you lose, you still get to give a long-winded dissertation about why [...]

8> Asks if you will take a post-dated brain as payment.

7> Insists his only alibi is that he wasn’t undead yet.

6> Despite the court reporter’s repeated requests for clarification, he does nothing but grunt and moan on the stand.

5> He wants you to bring a replevin action to recover [...]

9> “All males rise.”

8> Published opinions would likely include a lot more pictures.

7> The bailiff’s call to “All rise for Judge Wiener” gets even more guffaws than usual.

6> Given the sheerness of the teddy the judge is wearing, not much of his anatomy [...]

9> Court clerk? Check. Court reporter? Check. Court jester? Che–What the hell??

8> Attorneys required to sing their opening and closing arguments while second-chair strums a lute.

7> He just pulled the gavel out of a stone, signifying that he is rightwise born king of all New York Supreme [...]