September 1st, 2008



NOTE FROM DAVE:
It could have been an accident, or it
could have been intentional. Either way,
you got a helluva problem on your hands.


The Top 9 Signs You’ve
Opened a Portal to Hell


9> The Republican Convention just convened in your living room.

8> Hitler just tried to sell you Girl Scout cookies.

7> You keep hearing the howling of wretched souls condemned to eternal agony, and you already threw out that Michael Bolton CD.

6> Stephen King’s latest book is “The Hell Portal in Harry Miller’s Guest Room.” Your name? Harry Miller.

5> You come home from work to find Hitler, Pol Pot and Leona Helmsley sitting on your sofa watching “Little Nicky.”

4> Satan pops into the kitchen to borrow a cup of sulfur.

3> The faces of the living dead stare out of your television, but Joan Rivers was not scheduled to appear on Leno tonight.

2> Your cellar is filled with hellish noise, mysterious lights and noxious fumes. And it’s been years since you had your frat brothers over for a party.

and the Number 1 Sign You’ve Opened a Portal to Hell…

1> Well, you did click the Windows Vista “start” icon.




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Credits:

Selected from 16 submissions from 6 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

James Knowles, Bellingham, WA — 1 (4th #1)
Douglas Drawsen, Pentucket, MA — 2, 6
Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 3
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 4, 5, 7 (Hat trick!)
Michele Lord, Lincoln, NE — 8
Scott T. Goudsward, Haverhill, MA — 9
Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL — Zombie Master