June 10, 2004      Share

Those metal detectors might make the teachers feel
all warm and cozy, but they’re not going to stop
Biff from taking your lunch money or Bethany from
telling everybody you’re a total slut. So here are
some suggestions to REALLY improve school safety.

The Top 5 New School Safety Measures

5> For their own protection, kids with ADHD sit in desks with
roller-coaster-style lap bars.

4> Knuckle guards for parochial school students taught by
ruler-happy nuns.

3> All bullies have to wear cowbells.

2> To prevent wedgies, and their more brutal cousin, the atomic
wedgie, no one is allowed to wear underwear.

and the Number 1 New School Safety Measure…
1> Names of Science Olympiad winners and champion Mathletes are kept
secret to protect them from the crowds of hysterical fans.



Selected from 11 submissions from 5 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

Gideon Griebenow, Potchefstroom, S. Africa — 1 (6th #1!)
Rabbi Crut, Bowling Green, OH — 2
Scott Elmer, Wheaton, IL — 3, 5
Janis Spidle, Kansas City, MO — 4
Andrea Crain, Madison, WI — Guidance Counselor