June 10, 2004     

NOTE FROM ANDREA:

Those metal detectors might make the teachers feel
all warm and cozy, but they’re not going to stop
Biff from taking your lunch money or Bethany from
telling everybody you’re a total slut. So here are
some suggestions to REALLY improve school safety.

The Top 5 New School Safety Measures

5> For their own protection, kids with ADHD sit in desks with
roller-coaster-style lap bars.

4> Knuckle guards for parochial school students taught by
ruler-happy nuns.

3> All bullies have to wear cowbells.

2> To prevent wedgies, and their more brutal cousin, the atomic
wedgie, no one is allowed to wear underwear.

and the Number 1 New School Safety Measure…

1> Names of Science Olympiad winners and champion Mathletes are kept
secret to protect them from the crowds of hysterical fans.

.

Credits:

Selected from 11 submissions from 5 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

Gideon Griebenow, Potchefstroom, S. Africa — 1 (6th #1!)
Rabbi Crut, Bowling Green, OH — 2
Scott Elmer, Wheaton, IL — 3, 5
Janis Spidle, Kansas City, MO — 4
Andrea Crain, Madison, WI — Guidance Counselor