season! Here are some expert tips on how to do so.
8> 1. Kidnap bikini model. 2. Remove her clothing. 3. Tie her to
bed with leather restraints. 4. Don black hood and loincloth.
5. Um, sorry, what was the question?
7> Eat healthy foods, exercise moderately, select swimsuits that
complement your figure, and kill everyone thinner than you.
6> Start interviewing for a body double to attend functions and
wear the bikini for you.
5> See if they make permanent full-body Spanx.
4> Daily practice using your peripheral vision (men only).
3> Feed Twinkies to everyone else, there by making you look
bikini-ready by proxy.
2> Mow my lawn! No, seriously. Two hours twice a week pushing a
mower up a 30-foot hill. Call me.
Selected from 21 submissions from 7 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
Paul Van Opens, Annapolis, MD — 1, 2 (10th #1)
Matt Van Opens, Janesville, WI — 3, 6
Chris White, Studio City, CA — 4
Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 5
James Knowles, Bellingham, WA — 7, 8
Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA — Beauty Queen