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February 26, 2004      Share

NOTE FROM FRAN:
All the wonder drugs we see advertised on television
come with a list of frightening side-effects
that make us *wonder* if it’s worth the risk of taking them!
So what if other products and activities came
with similar warnings?

The Top 9 Real-Life Warning Labels

9> Toaster: May cause excess electrical consumption when used in
the bathtub.

8> Home Ownership: May cause sleeplessness, sensitivity to strange
noises, bleeding bank account. Ask your marriage counselor
about spouse compatibility before attempting.

7> Parenting: May cause paranoia, magnified hearing ability,
voice projection, pitcher’s elbow, growth of eyes in the back
of the head.

6> Morning commute: Direct results include but are not limited to
elevated blood pressure, stiffening of middle finger and
diarrhea of the mouth.

5> Cucumbers: To be used for dietary purposes ONLY!

4> Chocolate: May cause delusions of well-being, interfere with
normal hunger mechanisms, go well with a full-bodied cabernet
and… well, just ship it to me and nobody gets hurt, OK?

3> Sleep: May cause lack of drowsiness, intermittent
hallucinations (in lay terms, “dreams”) and missing the final
episode of “Friends.”

2> Sweater: Use as directed by your mother.

and the Number 1 Real-Life Warning Label…
1> Television: If you don’t sit further back, you’ll ruin you


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Credits:

Selected from 23 submissions from 7 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

Matt Van Opens, Kenosha. WI — 1, 2, 9 (Hat trick!)
William Prune Wickart, Danish Falls, MN — 3, 4
Mel Clark, Kalamazoo, MI — 5
Christa Grunewald, Leonardville, KS — 6
J. Amila, Chicago, IL — 7
Vila Roberts, Sweet Home, OR — 8
Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL — List Moderator/Governing Bo

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