The Top 9 Signs You Still Have Olympic Fever

9> Wore swim goggles and a Speedo to the last business meeting.

8> You keep having this freaky nightmare about guys running sideways across your face while Sarah Brightman stands on top of your head singing.

7> You berate your child [...]

The Top 9 Least Popular Health and Beauty Books

9> For the Love of All Mankind, by Mel Gibson

8> Inner Beauty Is Just a Lot of Crap, by Courtney Love

7> Conservative Clothing and Ladylike Ettiquite, by Britney Spears

6> The Fountain of Youth, Paleness and Bubbles, by Michael Jackson

5> [...]

NOTE FROM JILL:

Gender Reassignment Surgery. It’s big. It’s hot. It needs a prettier name.

The Top 9 Improved Names for “Gender Reassignment Surgery”

9> Mamputation

8> Addadictomy

7> Urination Position Adjustment

6> Innie-to-outieplasty

5> Testesgonectomy

4> Alphamale bypass

3> Stooge Appreciation Enhancement

2> Sending Back the Beans and Franks and Getting [...]

The Top 9 Signs Your Tattoo Artist Is Mad at You(Part II)

9> While this is your first tat, you are pretty sure they don’t usually use a nail gun.

8> Instead of the customary butterfly you asked for, you got a rabid bat.

7> You are pretty sure urine [...]

The Top 8 Signs Your Tattoo Artist Is Mad at You(Part I)

8> When you asked for a “Bad Ass” tattoo this isn’t what you meant.

7> Says that increasing gas costs will make your Corvette tattoo more expensive.

6> You’re sure that your partner’s name was “Brad,” not “Brat”.

5> Your [...]

The Top 9 Signs Your Shrink and Your Hairdresser Have Traded Places

9> When you tell her you like your bangs longer, she asks “What would your mother think of that?”

8> “So, would you like a Freudian bob or a Jungian pageboy or a just a Gestalt trim [...]

The Top 9 Signs You’ve Chosen the Wrong Dog Groomer

9> The pink bow on the tail is cute, but it really doesn’t match your German Shepherd’s muzzle or his spiked collar.

8> ‘Til last week, you’d never seen a toy poodle roped, tied, and sheared in 30 seconds [...]

NOTE FROM JILL:

Those wacky Yearning for Zion cult women in Texas are now selling Prairie Fashion through their website. I wonder what else they might sell?

The Top 7 Items for Sale on the FLDS Website

7> Lingerie made of wool and burlap.

6> “Hot Prairie [...]

NOTE FROM JILL:

Ah, Kirstie Alley. She’s fat and loves herself, she’s the Jenny Craig spokesperson. She’s huge again and stars in “Fat Actress,” she starts her own weight-loss club. What a nut.

The Top 10 Kirstie Alley Beauty Tips

10> Bacon fat makes a thrifty and [...]

The Top 6 Useless Vitamins

6> Vitamin BB: Improves airgun shooting skills.

5> Vitamin K: Enhances the flavor of Special K cereal.

4> Vitamin C: Keeps your spectacles polished.

3> Vitamin Eeek: Prevents illogical fear of rodents.

2> Vitamin Eh: The vitamin for slackers.

and the Number 1 Useless Vitamin…

1> Vitamin [...]