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October 28, 2010      Share

NOTE FROM JILL:
Sure it’s healthy to be cheery, but cheery
attitude people suck. For instance, they say
things like, “When life gives you lemons,
make lemonade.” MY friends say “when life
gives you lemons, I ain’t making no
lemonade, imma squeeze it in someone’s eyes.”

The Top 8 Better Endings to
“When Life Gives You Lemons…”

8> Start training to win a gold medal in puckering at the next
Olympics.

7> Trade them in for some limes to go in your gin and tonic.

6> Crush ‘em with a hammer, Gallagher-style.

5> Then it’s okay to give life herpes.

4> Freeze them and hurl them at people who insist on giving you
stupid platitudes while you’re miserable.

3> Become a billionaire with Lemonade.com.

2> Throw the damn lemons back at life. I mean seriously, what
kind of crappy Chanukah gift is lemons?

and the Number 1 Better Ending to “When Life Gives You Lemons…”…
1> Just shove them up life’s ass and she’ll fart like Febreeze.


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Credits:

Selected from 30 submissions from 8 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:

Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — 1 (1st #1! WooHoo!)
Rabbi Crut, Bowling Green, OH — 2, 5
Bruce Kane, Charlotte, NC — 3, 6
Paul Van Opens, Annapolis, MD — 4
Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 7
James Knowles, Bellingham, WA — 8
Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA — Beauty Queen

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