April 21, 2005     

NOTE FROM KIM:

Of *course* there’s a National Jelly Bean Day: Apr
What rock have *you* been living under?

The Top 9 Ways We’re Going to
Celebrate National Jelly Bean Day

9> Strip naked, splatter myself with multicolored paint drops
and hide at the candy store at the mall.

8> Call up Jimmy Carter every half hour, say “There you go
again,” laugh like a goon and hang up.

7> Try once again to have “Legume Fruitae Dejellus” declared an
endangered species.

6> Hold a rally outside the White House and demand equality for
Fruit Flavored Gelatinous Americans.

5> Tell neighborhood children that jelly beans are actually
alive, then bite several in half while making horrid,
bloodcurdling, candy-dying-in-agony sounds.

4> Spend another fruitless day on the Internet trying to convince
the FDA that jelly beans should be part of the food pyramid.

3> Same as every April 22: Try to find out exactly how far I
can shoot a jelly bean out my nose.
April 23? Same as every year: Spend it in the emergency room
trying to get that damn thing pulled out.

2> Debate William Safire over whether mango and popcorn are
legitimate jelly bean flavors, or just symptoms of an overly
permissive society.

and the Number 1 Way We’re Going t

National Jelly Bean Day…

1> Ask for donations to the “Spay or Neuter Feral Jelly Beans”
fund, then spend the cash on cheap hookers.

.

Credits:

Selected from 46 submissions from 15 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

James Knowles, Bellingham, WA — 1, 5, 7 (Hat trick!)
Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY — 2
Bill Ervin, Tigard, OR — 3
Leonard Topolski, Pearland, TX — 4
Michael Mierow, Milwaukee, WI — 6
Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL — 8
Steve Lunetta, Tucson, AZ — 9
Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI — I Wear the Hat,
I Own the Beans