April 7, 2005     

NOTE FROM KIM:

Just when you thought it was over, here we
are, flinging another monkey list into your
e-mail box like well-flung… uhm, like a big
red, err, uh, well, you get our drift.

The Top 9 Reasons Monkeys Rarely
Graduate From the Culinary Institute

9> Instructors are unable to determine if red heinies are a
result of being in heat or an unauthorized method of stirring
marinara sauce.

8> “Whaddya mean, you won’t let me use the shrimp peeler? I do
*too* have opposable thumbs — and toes. Look it up,
Hairless.”

7> It may seem that stirring four pots at once while hanging by
your tail is very efficient, but it does not make up for the
time lost putting on the full-body hairnet.

6> “My organ grinder ate my homework” only works as an excuse the
first time, doesn’t it?

5> While an infinite number of monkeys and typewriters may be
able to churn out something resembling Shakespeare, more than
one monkey in the kitchen at a time is just asking for the
souffle to drop.

4> “Lice Found on the Sous Chef’s Back” rarely gets graded higher
than a C- as a side dish.

3> What appeared to be a glass ceiling at first is actually
thinly veiled species-ism on the part of the baboons who run
the organization.

2> Because they realize that as law school graduates they’ll make
more money.

and the Number 1 Reason Monkeys Rarely Graduate From the Culinary
Institute…

1> The chimps all get hired by circuses, the gorillas are lured
away by high paying jobs in the luggage testing industry and
the less intelligent monkeys usually leave food school for
lucrative employment writing Internet humor lists.

.

Credits:

Selected from 65 submissions from 23 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

James Knowles, Bellingham, WA — 1
RW Lipp, Lenexa, KS — 2
Bill Livingston, Decatur, AL — 3, 5
Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA — 4
Chris Lipe, Rome, NY — 4
Guy Payne, Leeds, AL — 4
Kevin van Houten, The Colony, TX — 4, 5
Steve Lunetta, Tucson, AZ — 5, 7
Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA — 5
Michelle Lord, Lincoln, NE — 6
Donald Rossiter, Toronto, ON — 7, 9
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 7
Brandon Eldridge, St. Louis, MO — 8
Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI — Professor Silverback