October 8, 2004     

The Top 9 Signs Your
School’s Lunch Lady Wants You

9> The haunted look in her bloodshot eyes and the sultry way her
cigarette dangles from her lips when she growls, “What the
hell do you want?”

8> On polish sausage day, she always makes sure to give you the
biggest one — with a wink.

7> She cleans her spatula by lovingly rubbing it across her chest.

6> She makes you pay for your lunch by tucking dollar bills into
her bra.

5> As she slops down your mashed potatoes, she whispers in your
ear that today she washed the pots “just for you.”

4> She gives you a mysteriously sticky banana every morning with
your breakfast.

3> Friends regularly point out that you seem to suffer less
intestinal discomfort than everyone else after lunch.

2> Whenever you specify that you want the scrambled eggs, she
mentions that she’d like to have hers fertilized.

and the Number 1 Sign Your School’s Lunch Lady Wants You…

1> She asks how your sausage tastes today.
Today’s lunch: mac and cheese.

.

Credits:

Selected from 60 submissions from 12 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

David J. Ludwig, CSU San Marcos — 1, 2, 3, 5
(Hat trick!)
(6th #1!)
G. Mike Klockow, Purdue University — 4, 8
Erik Deckers, Ball State University — 6, 9
James Knowles, Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo — 7
Sayce Falk, Cornell University — 7
Gideon Griebenow, Potchefstroom University — RU list name
Nick Dryer,
St. Louis College of Pharmacy — Topic, Ambience
Brandon Eldridge,
St. Louis College of Pharmacy — RA on Duty