July 23, 2004     

NOTE FROM BRANDON:

There are lots of reasons for not being named class
valedictorian. Here at TopFive those reasons are,
but are not limited to: drinking, not giving a rip and
flat out stupidity. In case you weren’t already clued
in to those facts, here are some more subtle hints for you..

The Top 9 Signs You
Won’t Be Class Valedictorian

9> Apparently, two out of the six people ahead of you in class
rank have built up a tolerance to high levels of arsenic.

8> You studied engineering for three years before you figured out
it had little to do with trains.

7> You use lecture notes primarily as rolling papers.

6> Your yearbook picture? You, a possum, a jar of vaseline and
the principal’s new Audi.

5> They found out the money you’ve been bribing your profesors
with is from your porn webring… and such unethical behavior
will not be tolerated.

4> Your GPA has sunk so low the administration had to resort
to scientific notation to properly describe it.

3> You slept with professors who promised you good grades, but
none of them ever taught your classes.

2> Your student film was a trite and colorless ripoff of
“Biodome.”

and the Number 1 Sign You Won’t Be the Class Valedictorian…

1> Your GPA is 4.0, which is also the number of regents’
daughters you’ve knocked up.

.

Credits:

Selected from 43 submissions from 11 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:

James Knowles, Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo — 1 (9th #1!)
Michele Lord, U of NE Lincoln — 2, Banner Tag
Mark Dexter, George Washington University — 3
G. Mike Klockow, Purdue University — 3, 5, 9
Geoff Brown, University of Michigan — 4, 7
Kim Walker-Daniels, Northern Illinois U — 6
Audra Whitton, Northern Virginia Comm. College — 8
Gideon Griebenow, Potchefstroom University — RU list name
HM list name
Brandon Eldridge, St. Louis College of Pharmacy — RA/Moderator